J. MATTEO WHARTON//DAILY NEXUS

There are many adjustments to make as we return to in-person instruction — how to use bike lanes, find decent food at Carillo, navigate a run-in with an ex-fling at the lib or actually put on pants with some regularity, for example. For this apparent flatulence fiend terrorizing Girvetz 2115, sphincter control appears to have been an oversight in the shift from online classes. 

“What’s so absurd about it is that he shows no remorse, none at all,” reports a bewildered witness from the scene. “The toot rips out with a cacophonous boom, unapologetic, cascading, strong enough to move mountains, loud enough to deafen all the ears. The fart says, ‘I am courageous, I am here, I am stinky,’ but the farter himself just keeps taking notes like nothing ever happened.”   

Though there are several working theories as to why this man cuts his cheese so callously (legume addiction, domestic terrorism), the most likely answer is that he simply forgot that he can no longer mute himself. It’s an honest mistake we might consider forgiving, as the “post”-pandemic lifestyle seems to be conducive to slip-ups. One might walk out of their car without a mask or forget to provide housing for hundreds of students. Nobody’s perfect, right?

Ill-intentioned or not, other students are calling for action to be taken against the Farting Man. Bureaucratic wheels are in motion to get beans banned from dining halls and for Student Health to install Lactaid dispensers throughout campus. In the meantime, it is suggested that the students of Girvetz swap out regular masks for military-grade CM-6M tactical gas masks. 

Bee Neeter always gets three full servings of fiber each day.

A version of this article appeared on p. 12 of the Oct. 7, 2021 print edition of the Daily Nexus.