Nexustentialism

January 27, 2021

Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a gaggle of geese.

January 25, 2021

Lea Toubian Wins A.S. Presidency in Landslide Five Votes

By Annie Pepper

ISLA VISTA – In what experts are calling an unprecedented voter turnout, Lea Toubian was elected A.S. president earlier this month with a landslide of five votes and a total voter count of five. The scale of such a tur...

January 20, 2021

National Guard Calls in CSOs For Inauguration Security

By Max Myszkowski

WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice by Washington mayor...

January 18, 2021

Weekly COVID-19 Test Recipients Growing Bold, Kinky

By Chace Duma

UCSB recently made the decision to reopen select university-owned apartments for Winter 2021 in what we can only assume is an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money. The selective application process allowed only 1000 studen...

January 18, 2021

Storke Tower Receives Vaccination, Grows 3 Inches

By Max Myszkowski

“The lengthening effect was witnessed almost immediately,” said the Student Health nurse who administered Storke the vaccine. “As was a slight increase in girth, though those effects have yet to be studied in a dou...

January 16, 2021

If You Like GauchoSpace, You’ll Love GauchoSpace Live

By Baja Blässt

GauchoSpace Live and GauchoSpace Premium are in no way, shape or form based on PornHub Live and PornHub Premium. Students who suggest this will be expelled.

January 15, 2021

Sad! Donald Trump Has Said “I Love You” to Domestic Terrorists More Than to Own Children

By Miss Informed

Likely one of the only times the Trump children have ever witnessed their father using the L-word so brazenly and yet so tenderly, it is almost certain that at least one of them (probably Eric) burst into tears on the sp...

January 11, 2021

Brave! TPS Tirelessly Dishing Out Tickets Amidst Pandemic

By Emma Demorest

“I never once thought about giving up,” third-year and all-around bland man Krac said. “I decided the least I could do was to give UCSB a smidge of normalcy during this tumultuous time.” 

January 9, 2021

Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”

January 8, 2021

Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen

By A. Wiessass

“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods.

January 3, 2021

Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

By Natalie Kothergirls

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What he meant by this ge...

January 1, 2021

Religious Studies Department Switches Digital Lectures to Astral Projection

By ethan Dildine

"Now my projected consciousness can learn the intricacies of Pre-Tridentine Catholicism while my body plays Minecraft with the boys!”

December 16, 2020

Freshmen To Miss Out On Traditional UCSB Holiday Raccoon Cookout

By Dylan Herman

Freshmen this year are truly missing out on one of the most unique traditions UCSB has to offer, not to mention the delectable flavor of a campus-raised, spit-roasted raccoon.

December 2, 2020

Top Five Curse Words to Watch!

By Sam Penn

Every once in a while, you come across a curse word that really sticks, something so profane you’ll be sure to use for the rest of your life. This is not that curse word, but it’s pretty good.

November 27, 2020

UCSB Trends to Watch: Chlamydia !

By Stew Gumbo

A recent poll has shown that 52% of Isla Vista residents consider those with chlamydia to be “total downers.” Others opposed to the chlamydia craze have said that they “wished more trends were accessible to virgins...

November 27, 2020

QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

By Natalie Kothergirls

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!