Nexustentialism

November 18, 2020

I.V. Foot Patrol Becomes I.V. Patrol Due to Relentless Kinkshaming

By Baja Blässt

The Foot Patrol, formerly recognized as the on-foot Isla Vista police, now spends their time scouring the streets for any sign of feet, whether it’s through a hole in a shoe, sandals or even barefooting. Especially bar...

November 16, 2020

Club Sports Teams Now Even More Embarrassing Than Before

By Natalie Kothergirls

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming their longing dreams of...

November 12, 2020

Local Gaucho Lands HGTV Interior Design Deal for Empty Alcohol Bottles Display

By raana naghieh

HGTV is an American television channel that focuses on real estate and home improvement. And what better way to improve your home than to install 13 empty New Amsterdam bottles in the front-facing window of your home, ba...

November 11, 2020

Zoom Sex Ed Class Just a Livestream of Pornhub Premium

By Miss Informed

Trying to comprehend the wonder of conception? Look no further, kids, for creative teachers are employing the academic help of one of the busiest and most successful websites in the world: Pornhub. 

November 11, 2020

Frats Test Positive for Everything

By A. Wiessass

Public health officials were asked for comment, but were too busy banging their heads against the walls of their office and muttering, “How fucking dumb can these kids be,” under their breaths.

November 8, 2020

Four Trump Tweets That Will Invalidate Any of Those Silly Little Self-Care Activities You Did Today

By Sam Franzini

With the dust from the election finally beginning to settle, it’s important to practice self-care techniques to ease your mind from this heinous experience. However, remembering another bizarre or unnecessary Trump twe...

November 8, 2020

Collective Sigh of Relief Blows Down Trees, Carries Away Children Across Country

By Henri Bemis

True enough indeed, reports have come in from all across the country that small children and animals, as well as many a bouncy house, were swept into the sky as soon as the news broke that Biden would likely win the elec...

November 6, 2020

Closing Second Day Without Results, Presidential Candidates Share Heartfelt Kiss Goodnight

By Kiera Sullivan

A palpable sexual tension could be felt throughout the country as votes trickled in for the 2020 presidential election.

November 4, 2020

In The Absence of Students, Campus Gnomes Colonize Girvetz Hall

By raana naghieh

 Witnesses describe that the gnomes — lit only by the light of the moon — began to fortify the walls of Girvetz, dig a moat and lock themselves inside.

November 4, 2020

Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

By Natalie Kothergirls

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."

November 3, 2020

Student Sure Something Happening With A.S., But Can’t Be Bothered To Check

By Max Myszkowski

There's definitely something going on with A.S. right now and we'd tell you what it is, but we honestly don't really care enough to look into it.

November 3, 2020

Investigation Finds White Claw Cans Make “Not Great” Fleshlight

By Baja Blässt

Faced with heaps of empty white claw cans and having forgotten the feeling of human touch, lonely Isla Vistans have found a questionable quarantine pastime.

October 31, 2020

UCSB Students Looking Forward to the Lockdown Halloween They’re Used To

By Emma Demorest

The I.V. residents Nexustentialism spoke with all seemed to share a unanimous sense of reassurance in knowing that COVID-19 would not be infiltrating the sanctity of this yearly ritual. 

October 30, 2020

Halloween Costume Ideas for Unprecedented Times

By Miss Informed

Oh, to be young, beautiful and a viral sensation. Emphasis on the viral.

October 22, 2020

Fly Who Landed On Mike Pence’s Head: Dead at 22 Days, 16 Hours

By Lucas Bricca Bricca

The fly who landed on Mike Pence’s head passed away in his compost pile on Monday night. He was 22 days, 16 hours old. The doctors said he died of thorax complications.

October 16, 2020

Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

By A. Wiessass

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysis, fugly.