Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus

All students have dealt with their share of technology troubles, and in these days when all classes are online, a broken computer can seem like a death sentence to your GPA. But fear not, as Nexustentialism has a guide for acing those classes with limited resources.

 

Switch Up the Scenery

When it comes to focusing in online school, some benefit from designating a special home area to work at. You can achieve this by visiting a local packed restaurant and using their free WiFi in order to take your midterm on your phone. Not only will you be freed from the distractions of the home, but you’ll be surrounded by customers’ obnoxious chatter, prompting you to finish your work earlier so you can leave! Best of all, you can get a treat to reward yourself for the constant screen switching between Google Docs and GauchoSpace. But be careful! If you get a latte from a coffee shop, make sure the jitters don’t accidentally make you swipe back to the previous Safari screen, erasing all your progress and motivation.

 

Read a Book Instead

Us college students these days rely on our gadgets so much, Googling the simplest of questions like “How’s the weather outside?” and “What’s my name? I forgot again.” Why not break your screen addiction for a bit and pick up one of those low-tech books everyone keeps talking about and read a page or two? It doesn’t matter if the subject is remotely close to your class material. We suggest learning something completely out of your comfort zone! Try to put the looming deadlines on Sunday at 11:59 p.m. out of your mind while you lose yourself in works like “The Hunger Games.” You might fail the assignment and tank your grade, but the fun you’ll have is worthwhile!

 

Pretend To Be Amish

This strategy poses the biggest risk, but you can end up with a huge pay-off if you tap into your acting skills. Simply use your pretend commitment of faith as an excuse to not have to complete any work. Feel free to word your statement however you’d like, but you can use this template to convince any professor of your dedication: 

Dear [PROFESSOR],

I am writing this email to inform you that I unfortunately cannot complete [CLASS]. As a member of an Amish commune, I cannot in good faith touch a technology (if that’s what it’s called); therefore, I will be unable to participate in Zoom classes. I will instead be attending to my butter-churning duties and playing that old game where we touch a hoop with a stick with Elijah and Ezekiel, blissfully unaware of “finals week.”

Best regards,

Mary Sue Jane-Ann Taylor

Sent from my iPhone

 

Consider a Change of Pace

When you have to write essays and attend Zoom lectures all online, it’s a major pain to have to keep going when your computer suddenly goes kaputz. That’s why a good strategy to consider is to drop everything and start taking fewer technology-heavy classes. You might be on your way to graduating with an economics degree, but is it worth it to struggle when you could start taking art classes and draw pretty pictures? Or consider chemistry, where you can order supplies to perform your own scientific experiments at home, no laptop required. Perhaps philosophy is the route to go, in which the entire major is just thinking about guys who thought about stuff (who, by the way, didn’t use computers either)! Why, that seems great! At the end of the day, you’ll have to adapt, even if it means derailing your entire academic and future career.

 

Sam Franzini has been writing essays on a small screen after his laptop shut down a month ago. He’s leaning toward the Amish strategy.

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Sam Franzini
Sam Franzini is a second year student and a fan of dogs, music, tennis, stationery, and Survivor. He grew up in Florida and all of the stories about it are true.