This just in: Student Health has received a shipment of the brand new, FDA not-really-approved, piss-yellow Mike’s Hard Vaccine. Developed by the company behind Mike’s Hard Lemonade, this vaccine is marketed toward those who can’t for the life of them or, for that matter, the lives of the elderly and at-risk in their neighborhoods, stop partying. Considering Isla Vista seems to be the dream demographic for such a product, Student Health had the privilege of being among the first to receive this vaccine.
Our team was able to get an interview with Mike himself, who led the development of the hard vax, and ask him about the philosophy behind this new development.
“Unlike those hosers at the CDC, I understand that being sandwiched between a shirtless Brad and Chad while chugging claws and getting pelted with poorly-tossed dice is essential to the human experience,” Mike said, putting his Oakleys on the brim of his visor to look our reporter in the eye. “To suggest you don’t spend your weekends doing so is infringing upon your constitutional right to get schlammed. Naturally, I developed my own 120-proof vaccine so all the dudes and dudettes out there can keep raging. Will it protect you from COVID-19? Hopefully! Will it get you shmacked beyond belief? Definitely.”
Mike proceeded to inject himself with a couple of doses, strip down and run a nudie using his mask to cover his family jewels.
Some might call Student Health’s decision to distribute this vaccine irresponsible: Why not wait for the real one? We spoke to Student Health representative Olivia Verit, who claimed it was an act of panic as Isla Vista’s COVID status is currently “as positive as its vibes.”
“It’s clear that the majority of Isla Vista residents have decided to ignore the CDC, the government, common sense and the health and safety of their peers. I totally get it, it’s an easy oversight!” Verit said, her eyes twitching with rage. “There’s one thing they do listen to, however: alcohol! Well, that and shitty EDM. We figured if this pseudo-vax promised to get them drunk, they wouldn’t think twice about putting it in their bodies. Considering how rapidly COVID-19 is spreading in our little community, it seemed like the only option.”
You can now make an appointment on GOLD to be administered Mike’s Hard Vaccine today, or find them being passed out at your local dayger.
Chace Duma drives through I.V. so he doesn’t have to breathe in the diseased air.