Uh oh! The rumors are true! God is, indeed, dead. While we surely all appreciate the work He has done, His ownership of the spiritual realm is now dissolved, allowing some lesser-known deities a chance at the spotlight. If you’re finding yourself craving divine comfort this Spring Quarter, try worshipping some of these exciting new deities!
- One-Eyed Golem
The One-Eyed Golem will definitely cast a judgmental gaze upon you, but not as heavily as it could were it the Two-Eyed Golem. You may still muck around, tomfooling about the neighborhood. Just do so at a slower pace, for fear that its one eye will rattle around in its skull and land upon you, red-handed in the middle of a shenanigan or two.
- Catacomb Woman
Click clack, click clack! There she goes again, the Catacomb Woman chattering the teeth of the many skulls she oversees. Although the Catacombs are warm with Her Radiance, she makes believe the skulls are shivering with cold to give them Winter. How merciful she is to the dead! Now that Spring is around the corner, the ghastly chattering will soon come to an end. What better time is there for you to join Catacomb Woman in her maze of bones?
- The Swampy One Under Your Bed
Picture this: It’s 2:00 a.m. You’re lying awake in your bed, trembling under your covers at the weight of It All when suddenly, the sweet smell of sulfur wafts up from beneath you, tickling your nostrils. Your room fills with a dank, heavy humidity. Can it be? It is! Oh, joy! The Swampy One Under Your Bed has kindly graced your night with his marshy presence. All he asks for is a couple of your prayers this Spring and he will continue bringing comfort and small rodents of the swamp to your room at night.
- The Lord of Rocks and Sand
We all know you are nothing but a pathetic little man made of rocks and sand. A little stone boy. A grainy little baby boy made of rocks and sand. You want a god, little stone man? Here, take one. Take your Lord of Rocks and Sand and pray to him on your pebbly knees.
Oh, Michael! Glory be! Tuxedo T-shirt dripping with the nectar of the gods, his silken trail of holy sludge pooling on the floor beneath him like a luxurious gown! Gaze into its radiance and see all your past lifetimes! He floats through your halls, moaning and slamming doors, searching for you in order to receive your humble prayers. His moans are deafening but do not be afraid! Be baptized in his holy sludge and find peace at last!
Wow! With so many wonderful options, it’s hard to pick just one! We at Nexustentialism sincerely hope this map through the spiritual realm will land you in a place of inner peace this Spring.