UCSB recently made the decision to reopen select university-owned apartments for Winter 2021 in what we can only assume is an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money. The selective application process allowed only 1000 students to return to the hallowed, poorly lit halls of the mediocre apartments they were begging to call home. Once they got in, these lucky few were met with a whole new set of challenges: weekly COVID-19 tests. 

All students living in university-owned apartments are required to take one COVID-19 test per week at a minimum. A measure like this was to be expected, but what wasn’t expected is how kinky some of these students seemed to become as a result of the repeated nasal violations. 

“It started off so innocent,” one test administrator said, whose name has been omitted for their safety. “I would swab their nose, we would joke about how uncomfortable it was and they would go on their merry way.”

“Then, one day, something changed,” the tester recounted, shivering with fear. “Following standard procedure, I stuck the swab two inches into my testee’s nose. He looked me deep in the eyes, his gaze a mix between extreme lust and severe rage, and whispered, ‘deeper, coward.’ I still have nightmares about it. These kids are a different breed.”

The anonymous test administrator also recounted being begged to insert two or even three swabs into a single quivering nostril. They have since been moved to a secure, secretive location after a group of swab-junkies jumped them looking for a couple testing kits.

Our team was able to have a word with one of these swab junkies, Cole Vid. 

“That first test changed my world,” Vid, a weekly tester, said, entranced by the memory. “I went in so nervous, having heard how uncomfortable the experience was. But wow, did my tester know his way around a nostril! He stuck the swab in so deep I swear he touched brain. Now, that’s the only brain I ever want to get. I’ve devoted my life to raw-dogging the cotton swab.” 

Before we could ask any further questions, Vid took a swab from his back pocket, inserted it into his nostril and passed out in bliss. 

Chace Duma IS NOT into nostril stuff.