Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus

It is safe to say COVID-19 has drastically altered the ways in which all of us choose to live our lives. From inserting anxiety into our weekly trip to the grocery store, preventing us from seeing our loved ones and forcing that one girl you know to not post her whole weekend on her Instagram story, this disease has left many people struggling to adapt to this pre-vaccine world we are living in. 

Naturally, this struggle has affected people’s sex lives, as our sources in the field have reported that many individuals have not “busted a nut” in months due to the lack of social events and fear of spreading the disease. However, for the small demographic who aren’t fucking losers and totally fuck, a creative way to still have sex has emerged.

According to a recent study, the use of the sexual position called “reverse cowgirl” has risen 150% since March 2020. Reverse cowgirl, according to Urban Dictionary, is “a sexual position where the female is in a superior position by placing herself on top of the male and facing his feet.” Essentially, no face-to-face contact. Consequently, “doggy style” is also seeing an 118% increase, for when the girl gets tired of doing all the work.

“I have not kissed a man in months, and I’m loving life,” said Wynoma Rider, a local person who has sex. “Literally, I pull up to his apartment, flop around for a little and then leave. No cuddling, no eye contact, nothing. I even wear my mask sometimes!”

Males seem to be enjoying the new trend as well.

“Yeah, it’s honestly chill,” said local resident Chad Brohanski. “We haven’t had to have the ‘What are we?’ talk, and I honestly forgot what my hookup buddy looks like at this point.”

Will the impending vaccine change these trends in sexual habits? It is too early to tell. As of right now though, it’s not looking likely. The local simp population is apparently “devastated.”

“I am never looking a man in the face ever again,” said Rider. “Reverse cowgirl has changed my life for the greater good.”

“I said it was chill earlier, right?” said Brohanski.

Raffi Torres is even missing EOS right now. This is rock bottom.