Raffi Torres

February 23, 2021

Reverse Cowgirl Use Up 150% Amid Pandemic, Studies Show

By Raffi Torres

Due to COVID, our sources have reported that many individuals have not “busted a nut” in months. However, for the small demographic who aren’t fucking losers and totally fuck, a creative way to still have sex has e...

June 10, 2020

Local Bros Risk it All For One Magical Night at Study Hall

By Raffi Torres

“I NEEDED STUDY HALL, I NEEDED IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. LAST NIGHT WAS MAGICAL. THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, PROBABLY,” said Brohanski. “THE STAFF THERE ARE HEROES. GODDAMN AMERICAN HEROES.”

February 24, 2020

Mountain Party Breaks Out During Occupation of Cheadle Hall

By Raffi Torres

In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to the UC protest. In res...

November 14, 2019

CALPIRG To Club a Baby Seal for Every Person Who Refuses To Sign Their Petitions

By Raffi Torres

In what can only be described as an aggressive marketing tactic, CALPIRG has decided that enough is enough with regard to the disrespect it has taken over the years and wants the student body to know that it means busine...

November 14, 2019

Local Drug Dealer Now Accepts Gaucho Bucks

By Raffi Torres

  Everyone knows someone who has been affected by the university’s arcade token analog and Bitcoin-ripoff, Gaucho Bucks. Who could forget the June realization that there is an unredeemable $400 on your Access Card...

May 1, 2019

Stagecoach Takes All the Racism Away from I.V. for the Weekend

By Raffi Torres

This weekend, in unprecedented fashion, Isla Vista witnessed an absolute first that shocked the local authorities. What was that first? Isla Vista experienced no racist incidents for the first time since March 1987.

April 19, 2019

Short Kings Lament: Tall White Man Stealing All the Girls

By Raffi Torres

In 2018, “Florida Man” became a natural phenomenon in pop culture. While not honing in on one specific individual, the term “Florida Man” has been used to encompass the community of strange individuals behind the...