In 2018, “Florida Man” became a natural phenomenon in pop culture. While not honing in on one specific individual, the term “Florida Man” has been used to encompass the community of strange individuals behind the batshit crazy crimes committed in the Sunshine State. While no community in Isla Vista quite matches the exploits of “Florida Man,” multiple members of the community have pointed out to a different categorization running rampant in the Isla Vista streets.
It’s name? “Tall White Man.”
“My college experience is basically me talking to a girl and a random tall, white dude coming out the cut and swooping her,” said an anonymous short, non-white student. “It’s out of control; they all look the same, they all either surf or are in a frat and they keep taking all the girls. They’ve honestly done more damage to the minority community than anything in history.”
When reminded about institutional racism, colonialism and the multiple other atrocities committed toward minority communities, our source replied “Oh yeah. I meant besides that.”
When investigating the claims made by the Brown community at UCSB, the Nexus found multiple sources willing to back up the claim.
“Oh yeah, 100%,” said Becky Loughlin, third-year communications major, . “That short dude I was talking to never stood a chance. I was just waiting for that totally cute dude with the Bass Pro Shop hat to look my way, and I was gone.”
“I hooked up with a 5’7” dude once, and it ruined my life,” added Sally Yakub. “My friends made fun of me for weeks. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. On the bright side, at least I made that little short guy’s day and gave all his short friends hope.”
In a statement constructed by the Short Boyz Alliance (SBA), it was stated that the 5’9” and shorter community at UCSB will not stand for the mistreatment and verbal abuse thrown our away. First Tinder is making us verify our height, and now girls are treating us like charity cases. It is vile and disgusting.”
So what does “Tall, White Man” think about all this?
“What? Hey, man, I’m just trying to get my dick wet. Get taller or something.”
More updates will be given as the Nexus will investigate whether the reign of the “Tall, White Man” is a national epidemic by obtaining data from the student body at every university in the nation. Well, every university except for Cal Poly because their whole school is white as hell.
Raffi Torres is standing up for short men everywhere.