Max Myszkowski / Daily Nexus

In what can only be described as an aggressive marketing tactic, CALPIRG has decided that enough is enough with regard to the disrespect it has taken over the years and wants the student body to know that it means business. Thus, starting on Nov. 30, CALPIRG will launch the “Carnage in the Arbor” initiative, which will involve CALPIRG volunteers clubbing baby seals with their clipboards for every refusal their petitions get.

“You thought we were intolerable before?” CALPIRG member Jerry Signer said with a crazed look in his eyes. “You guys didn’t like us trying to save the world, huh? Wait till we start killing baby seals, huh? How about that? You want that? You want blood everywhere on your hands?”

For many years, CALPIRG, an organization committed to standing up to powerful interests, has been known for aggressive strategies in getting students to join its cause. While its cause is certainly noble, some students only know CALPIRG for its volunteers’ relentless advertising techniques.

“They are literally freaking everywhere,” student Ricky Laybac said. “I’m taking a nap on the library lawn, I wake up, they’re there just staring at me. I go to the Arbor and buy a Yerb, they’re in the fridge asking if I care about the rainforest. I take a dump on the sixth floor of the lib and they’re reaching under asking me not to flush to save water. They are out of control. I’m always being watched. I tell them I’m late for class, but they know I’m lying. I see it in their eyes.”

This negative reputation has forced CALPIRG’s hand in making sure the group is able to obtain the support it needs for their projects.

“We have no choice, okay?!” Signer said. “Everyone would ignore us or run away if we didn’t do this. From this day forward, every single CALPIRG member must be armed with a clipboard in one hand and a cute little baby seal in another. No signature and it’s bye-bye to lil’ Seal Jr. The students will pay for their indifference to worthy causes. YOU HEAR ME? THE SEALS WILL PAY! LUCIFER WILL RISE! CALPIRG WILL BE STIFLED NO MORE!”

Local Police Chief Brett Oinkerson seems to disagree.

“Oh no, these guys are definitely getting arrested.”

Raffi Torres is actually sympathetic to the CALPIRG cause.