Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus

As Santa Barbara County enters into its second phase toward reopening, it was announced that specific businesses, such as malls and retail stores, could hold “soft openings.” One of the businesses explicitly not allowed to open was The Study Hall yet on Thursday night, the Hall bravely defied orders in order to serve the people.

“We were chilling on our balcony when my boy facetimed me with the good news,” said local bro Chad Brohanski. “He was all like, ‘STUDY HALL IS OPEN! LET’S MOB! NOW!’ and we immediately set off on our bikes like a rabid pack of hyenas.”

Due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, Study Hall made sure to keep strict guidelines to ensure the safety of all its customers, such as a makeshift sign out front reading “no mask, no entry” and a proposed limit on the number of people in the bar. 

“Oh, by strict, we meant nonexistent,” said an anonymous staff member. “The sign did little to promote mask usage. Our staff weren’t even wearing any masks. The Bar was packed from back to front. Our shitty music was blasting. You couldn’t hear anything. Two kids were making out in the back. I had a tear in my eye. It was beautiful, the way things used to be. End of the day, if you’re not willing to contact COVID-19 for the Hall, what do you even stand for?”  

Brohanski and his crew seem to agree with that sentiment.

“I NEEDED STUDY HALL, I NEEDED IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. LAST NIGHT WAS MAGICAL. THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, PROBABLY,” said Brohanski. “THE STAFF THERE ARE HEROES. GODDAMN AMERICAN HEROES.”

Despite the fanfare and hoopla, it seems that Study Hall will not remain open after their one-night escapade.

“Yeah, no way that’s happening again,” said Officer Brett Oinkerson. “If I see it open again, I’m going to grab a beer and then shut it down.”

Raffi Torres would only risk it all for a magical night at Freebirds!