Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

October 15, 2020

Fly on Mike Pence’s Head Secures Deal with Fashion Nova After Newfound Fame

By Miss Informed

After enjoying a week of newfound notoriety, the now-infamous housefly (Musca domestica) that made its debut on the downy white head of Vice President Mike Pence during the 2020 United States vice-presidential debate has...

October 5, 2020

Recently Fired RAs Say It’s Fine, Didn’t Need Anywhere To Live Anyway

By Sam Penn

“Sure I don’t ‘have walls,’ and maybe I don’t ‘get to be dry’ all the time,” Lopez said, while speaking from the half inflated raft she’s been living in off the coast of Devereux. “But you can’t bea...

September 27, 2020

Anti-Masker Would Rather Die Than Smell Own Breath

By Max Myszkowski

“It’s a shame he can’t socially distance his mouth from his nose.”

three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

September 11, 2020

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

By A. Wiessass

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.

August 26, 2020

Joe Biden Proudly Announces VP Running Mate: Calvin Harris

By Henri Bemis

Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, has proudly announced world-renowned DJ, Calvin Harris, as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2020 election in an attempt to unite the American people through the power of beeps ...

August 15, 2020

New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick as Fuck

By Henri Bemis

Researchers in this sumptuous field of study have put out probes into each of the UC campuses looking to find evidence of bodacious badonkadonks across the UC system. Upon analysis of the resultant data, the team conduct...

August 1, 2020

Chameleons: They Could Be Anywhere

By Stuart "Snallygaster" Yawger

The UC issued a statement that chameleons are probably not on campus but acknowledged that there is a chance that chameleons are all around us.

July 22, 2020

Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

By Sam Penn

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,”

July 19, 2020

Thank You, Dear Residents of Isla Vista: An Open Letter From the Coronavirus

By Max Myszkowski

Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm cesspool of a jacuz...

July 16, 2020

UCSB Introverts, (AKA Entire College of Creative Studies) Really Thriving Right Now

By Annie Pepper

Majors within the College of Creative Studies (previously featured in this paper for the title of stinkiest, and also most tennis shoe) seem to thrive in the role of introvert forced on the nation.

July 2, 2020

Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

By Emma Demorest

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!

June 19, 2020

UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

By Natalie Kothergirls

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quarter 2020 will soon t...

June 17, 2020

Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

By Emma Demorest

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so important that amidst all t...

June 10, 2020

Local Bros Risk it All For One Magical Night at Study Hall

By Raffi Torres

“I NEEDED STUDY HALL, I NEEDED IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. LAST NIGHT WAS MAGICAL. THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, PROBABLY,” said Brohanski. “THE STAFF THERE ARE HEROES. GODDAMN AMERICAN HEROES.”

May 31, 2020

Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

By A. Wiessass

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.