Nexustentialism

May 12, 2020

UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

By Natalie Kothergirls

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.

May 6, 2020

Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

By Max Myszkowski, Sam Rankin

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!

May 1, 2020

Local Bro Thinks the Ratio at His Childhood Home “Blows”

By Kian Karamdashti

“My mom has no White Claws in the freezer, my little brother isn’t actually a chiller and on the off chance that someone here actually tosses, they all toss low,” Brohanski said.

April 29, 2020

Student Health Now Offering Complimentary Circumcisions

By Henri Bemis

Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what’re you hanging ont...

April 27, 2020

Storke in the Age of COVID-19: UCSB’s Favorite Tower To Chime Each Hour on New Facebook Livestream

By Sierra Vakili

  Upon the March 25 announcement that UC Santa Barbara officials had “no intention” to adjust tuition for a remote spring quarter, students were forced to face the harsh reality that all their services, although...

April 24, 2020

Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

By A. Wiessass

  With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-around” funds. 1.About ...

April 20, 2020

Safety Win! This Student Cloroxed Her Spring Quarter Textbooks Even Though She’ll Never Open Them

By Sam Franzini

With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson, about her brave str...

April 16, 2020

Sad! Girl in Quarantine Running Out of Boys to Drunk Text

By Natalie Kothergirls

  Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after “taking shots with t...

April 14, 2020

Zoomtopia: A Recap

By Auta Towner

  Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11 a.m., but this year...

April 6, 2020

C.A.P.S. To Offer Online Counseling in Form of Smiley Face PDF

By Chace Duma

UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will personally send directly i...

April 6, 2020

Uh Oh! Professor Accidentally Uploads Entire Campus to GauchoSpace

By Chace Duma

SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the website.  “I don’...

April 3, 2020

Eight Alternatives for Toilet Paper in the Apocalypse

By Chuck Mannsly

  It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and lives and therefore,...

April 2, 2020

Push-Up Instagram Challenge Cures COVID-19

By Kian Karamdashti

  In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of COVID-19 on the planet...

March 10, 2020

Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

By Max Myszkowski

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extended indefinitely.  Cr...

March 10, 2020

Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

By A. Wiessass

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for classes early in their...

March 6, 2020

Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

By Henri Bemis

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brief pause and some fer...