Nexustentialism

March 10, 2020

Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

By Max Myszkowski

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extended indefinitely.  Cr...

March 10, 2020

Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

By A. Wiessass

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for classes early in their...

March 6, 2020

Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

By Henri Bemis

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brief pause and some fer...

March 5, 2020

Storke Tower Blasts Off

By Stuart Yaeger

UCSB bore witness to a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle last week as Storke Tower’s countdown timer reached zero, its engines were ignited and it blasted off into the heavens. The roar deafened I.V. residents and shattered...

March 1, 2020

Phony in Phelps! TA Actually Eight Raccoons in Button-up, Khakis

By Sierra Vakili

PHELPS HALL — A wave of disillusionment fell over the faces of 20 wide-eyed pupils Thursday upon their discovery that their beloved teaching assistant, lack of living wage and all, was not the mathematical wizard they ...

March 1, 2020

CALPIRG Turtle Exposed, Actually Tortoise

By Jason Cathcart

UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to believe anymore,” stu...

March 1, 2020

Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

By A. Wiessass

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as “a lack of influe...

February 24, 2020

Mountain Party Breaks Out During Occupation of Cheadle Hall

By Raffi Torres

In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to the UC protest. In res...

February 20, 2020

Hall Rules Clearly Based on Hammurabi’s Code

By Stuart Yaeger

FT’s 12th-floor bulletin board was recently replaced with a pair of massive clay tablets, into which the new floor rules have been hand-chiseled. These new rules, as well as their method of proclamation, seem to be loo...

February 20, 2020

Student Health Receives Influx of Sex Injuries Following Valentine’s Day

By Katherine Jones

Student Health staffers were astonished this week by the staggering number of sex-related injuries presented to Student Health for treatment following this year’s 3-day Valentine’s weekend. Although UCSB’s rates of...

February 18, 2020

New Student Loan Deferral Program Lets You Pass Your Crippling Debt Onto Your Children

By Chance Hope

On Wednesday, President Trump signed an executive order requiring the U.S. Department of Education to create a new student loan deferral program allowing students who find themselves in more debt than they can handle to ...

February 14, 2020

Brotherly Lime Ride Leads to Unexpected Sexual Awakening

By Ryan Milton

We often find love in the strangest places, whether it’s 11 shots deep at Sandbar or in the 8 a.m. Friday section where you look more like roadkill with a pulse than a college student. For second-year student Justin Su...

February 14, 2020

Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

By A. Wiessass

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measly tithes. Experts ar...

February 14, 2020

UCSB Introduces Department of Student Vibes

By Sierra Vakili

UC Santa Barbara officials announced Tuesday that an all-new student-resource department would be making its way to campus in the fall of 2020: the Department of Student Vibes. In the brand-new Student Vibe Center, stude...

February 9, 2020

Student Goes Barefoot as an Attempt To Be Perceived as Interesting

By Sam Franzini

Earlier this week, sophomore Alex Graham decided to mix things up for once and walk around campus barefoot, as if he were a paleolithic caveman roaming the wild prehistoric savannah. According to Graham, this poor decisi...

February 9, 2020

UCSB Rescinds Bathroom Privileges Following Buchanan Vandalism

By Max Myszkowski

BUCHANAN HALL — Following a senseless act of vandalism in the Buchanan girls bathrooms, Chancellor Henry Yang released a statement today announcing that the bathroom privileges previously enjoyed by UCSB students were ...