Whoo-wee! You really had me worried for a second there, folks! About a month ago, I thought my time in the spotlight was drawing to a close –– but not anymore, and it’s all thanks to the brave efforts of you, dear Isla Vistans! Every beach day with friends, every puff on your distant acquaintance’s vape, every reused Solo cup; I always knew you guys had my best interests at heart.
First and foremost, I’d like to thank the wonderful dudes and babes of Isla Vista, who have kept my campaign going strong these past few weeks. If it weren’t for you, there’s no way I would have been able to keep going this long. Every time you socially proximal party animals toast your cups together, I shout a nanoscopic “olé” out of gratitude. You have truly been my favorite disease vectors, and each time I fill a pair of elderly lungs with fluid or make someone lose their sense of taste, I’ll be thinking of you.
I would also like to thank my parent –– a genetically identical progenitor who bravely hijacked a mammalian cell and used its molecular machinery to reproduce –– for all the work they did to bring me into this world, and I would also like to give a shout out to my siblings (all 196,457,269,845 of them) for helping spread our lovely little family so widely around this beautiful little petri dish you guys call home.
Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm cesspool of a jacuzzi –– talk about starting at the bottom and rising to the top, eh?
Anyway before I go, I’d just like to give one more huge thanks to everyone who has been helping me out in these strange and unusual times. I simply wouldn’t still be here without the anti-maskers, spring-vacationers or the state of Florida. To all those above and more, I share my deepest gratitude.
See you in the fall,