Max Myszkowski

Max Myszkowski is a fourth-year chemistry major who has an unhealthy obsession with Storke Tower and currently serves as the editor of Nexustentialism. He is illiterate.

January 20, 2021

National Guard Calls in CSOs For Inauguration Security

By Max Myszkowski

WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice by Washington mayor...

January 18, 2021

Storke Tower Receives Vaccination, Grows 3 Inches

By Max Myszkowski

“The lengthening effect was witnessed almost immediately,” said the Student Health nurse who administered Storke the vaccine. “As was a slight increase in girth, though those effects have yet to be studied in a dou...

November 3, 2020

Student Sure Something Happening With A.S., But Can’t Be Bothered To Check

By Max Myszkowski

There's definitely something going on with A.S. right now and we'd tell you what it is, but we honestly don't really care enough to look into it.

September 27, 2020

Anti-Masker Would Rather Die Than Smell Own Breath

By Max Myszkowski

“It’s a shame he can’t socially distance his mouth from his nose.”

July 19, 2020

Thank You, Dear Residents of Isla Vista: An Open Letter From the Coronavirus

By Max Myszkowski

Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm cesspool of a jacuz...

May 24, 2020

CALPIRG Unveils New “Save The Murder Hornets” Campaign

By Max Myszkowski

With no bees left to save, CALPIRG unfortunately had no choice but to move on to the next closest insect.

May 6, 2020

Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

By Max Myszkowski, Sam Rankin

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!

March 10, 2020

Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

By Max Myszkowski

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extended indefinitely. Cr...

February 9, 2020

UCSB Rescinds Bathroom Privileges Following Buchanan Vandalism

By Max Myszkowski

BUCHANAN HALL — Following a senseless act of vandalism in the Buchanan girls bathrooms, Chancellor Henry Yang released a statement today announcing that the bathroom privileges previously enjoyed by UCSB students were ...

January 20, 2020

Honors Program Now Accepting Students Who Can Bike With No Hands

By Max Myszkowski

In a statement released this afternoon, the UCSB Honors Program announced it would be automatically accepting all applicants who can ride their bikes with no hands. “It is our belief that students who have mastered the...

January 9, 2020

New Vaping Mortality Study Finds More Than 90% of Vapers Mortal

By Max Myszkowski

In the wake of a series of vaping-related maladies across the country, researchers in the UC Santa Barbara biology department have recently conducted a study regarding the mortality rates of individuals who vape. ...

December 3, 2019

The Honeysticks Sweeten Storke Plaza

By Max Myszkowski

The Honeysticks recently lit up Storke Plaza with some of their distinctive indie-rock music, playing for over an hour and bringing much-needed good vibes to campus.

November 24, 2019

Trump Resigns After A.S. Senate Votes To Impeach

By Max Myszkowski

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announced his resignation f...

November 22, 2019

Oh Goodie! Your Bike Seat is Wet!

By Max Myszkowski

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his midnight grind sessi...

November 12, 2019

Report: Roommate Used Goddamn Brita Filter Without Refilling It

By Max Myszkowski

Reports are streaming in that second-year student Ava Turst reportedly used her roommate’s “goddamn” Brita filter without filling it back up afterwards. This allegation falls in the wake of several other sca...

October 31, 2019

Top 10 Sexiest UC Santa Barbara-Related Costumes

By Max Myszkowski

Sexy Mountain Lion They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista: the infamous UCSB ...