CALPIRG Unveils New “Save The Murder Hornets” Campaign

With no bees left to save, CALPIRG unfortunately had no choice but to move on to the next closest insect.
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Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!
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Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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UCSB Rescinds Bathroom Privileges Following Buchanan Vandalism

BUCHANAN HALL — Following a senseless act of vandalism in the Buchanan girls bathrooms, Chancellor Henry Yang released a statement today announcing that the bathroom privileges previously enjoyed by...
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Honors Program Now Accepting Students Who Can Bike With No Hands

In a statement released this afternoon, the UCSB Honors Program announced it would be automatically accepting all applicants who can ride their bikes with no hands. “It is our belief that students w...
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New Vaping Mortality Study Finds More Than 90% of Vapers Mortal

  In the wake of a series of vaping-related maladies across the country, researchers in the UC Santa Barbara biology department have recently conducted a study regarding the mortality rates of in...
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The Honeysticks Sweeten Storke Plaza

The Honeysticks recently lit up Storke Plaza with some of their distinctive indie-rock music, playing for over an hour and bringing much-needed good vibes to campus.
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Trump Resigns After A.S. Senate Votes To Impeach

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announc...
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Oh Goodie! Your Bike Seat is Wet!

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his ...
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Report: Roommate Used Goddamn Brita Filter Without Refilling It

  Reports are streaming in that second-year student Ava Turst reportedly used her roommate’s “goddamn” Brita filter without filling it back up afterwards. This allegation falls in the wake ...
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Top 10 Sexiest UC Santa Barbara-Related Costumes

  Sexy Mountain Lion   They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista...
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Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang ...
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Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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