Max Myszkowski

Max Myszkowski is a fourth-year chemistry major who has an unhealthy obsession with Storke Tower and currently serves as the editor of Nexustentialism. He is illiterate.

October 30, 2019

Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

By Max Myszkowski

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang to be nothing more t...

October 10, 2019

Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

By Max Myszkowski

Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while trying to take the 24X fr...

October 1, 2019

Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

By Max Myszkowski

Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close look at the property h...

August 16, 2019

Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

By Max Myszkowski

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller coaster on the summ...

August 7, 2019

Majority of UCSB Emails Now Phishing Scams

By Max Myszkowski

This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the notifications sent to s...

July 23, 2019

Wild West Summer Sessions: Lone Tumbleweed Drifts Through Streets of I.V.

By Max Myszkowski

In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets of Isla Vista has sky...

May 24, 2019

Storke Speaks Out: Here’s What The Tower Has to Say

By Max Myszkowski

The Nexus recently conducted an interview with well-known phallic symbol and campus icon, Storke Tower, in hopes of learning more about the inner machinations of the enigmatic mind of the landmark. For years, Storke Towe...

May 22, 2019

Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

By Max Myszkowski

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fellow classmates by con...

May 14, 2019

Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

By Max Myszkowski

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how - that’s right: pil...

May 9, 2019

Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

By Max Myszkowski

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time high.

April 26, 2019

UCSB Academic Ranking Plummets as Alumni Return to Campus

By Max Myszkowski

It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.

April 22, 2019

Student Gazes Wistfully Into Eyes of Freshman-Year Gauchospace Profile Picture, Longs for Simpler, More Innocent Times

By Max Myszkowski

Recently, Gauchospace released yet another of its periodic site updates — this time including the addition of each user’s student ID photo to its homepage, which students must access in order to view information abou...

April 8, 2019

I.V. Foot Patrol Declares Martial Law on Deltopia Weekend

By Max Myszkowski

Due to concerns regarding the drunken rowdiness, tomfoolery and other miscellaneous shenaniganz that have come to be associated with Deltopia celebrations, the I.V. Foot Patrol declared martial law in response to Deltopi...

April 4, 2019

Campus Crisis: Storke Tower Goes Flaccid

By Max Myszkowski

Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the University Center in 19...

February 26, 2019

The Curse of the Creepy Mural in Ortega Dining Commons

By Max Myszkowski

Ortega dining hall is home to many wonders: a piano for show-offs, vegetarian Mondays and a ghastly mural that might suck out your soul if you look at it for too long. Ortega’s 76-foot-long mural, depicting a scene fro...