Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his midnight grind session was reportedly received with nothing but ecstatic glee from Schmoe.

“Oh goodie!” Schmoe exclaimed upon noticing the dew-laden pleather seat. “I was just thinking my ass wasn’t moist enough for my liking.”

Schmoe’s ass was unavailable for comment.

“Oh yeah, that’s the stuff,” Schmoe allegedly moaned as the waterlogged seat squelched under his tushie. 

Schmoe’s case is far from unique. Students from all across the university have shared in similar squelchy splendors on a nearly nightly basis. With the temperature sharply dropping after each 5 p.m. sunset, condensation rapidly forms on the bike seats of unsuspecting students everywhere, leaving them with bum-wetting bounties to accompany them on their voyages home.

“My cup runneth over!” one soggy-bottomed student proclaimed, appreciating the fact that the condensation from his seat had penetrated several layers of clothing, thoroughly soaking him from crotch to crack.

Some student cyclists, who have no appreciation for the luxury of a soaked heinie, have taken to wiping their seats off with their shirts before embarking on their rides home, instead opting to enjoy the alternative (though far inferior) option of a moistened midriff. 

“It’s 9:30 p.m., 45 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and I just got back from a four-hour chemistry lab,” one student told Nexustentialism. “I was just aching to get an ass crack full of evening dew to cap off my night.”

For those more moisture-averse students, several options exist for avoiding the superb glee associated with uncovering a thoroughly drenched bicycle seat.

  1. Try sitting in a puddle before you bike home at night. If your tushie is already thoroughly water laden, you won’t even notice the fine dew from your bike soaking into the seat of your pants. Your derriere will still be as wet as a pool party in a hurricane, but your seat will feel dry as a bone!
  2. Put a plastic bag over your bike seat before you head off to class in the afternoon. When you come back, you can take the now soaking-wet plastic bag and put it in your backpack right next to your laptop. Your backside will be spared, but god, at what cost.
  3. Sit down on your seat very slowly, one cheek at a time. This won’t make your caboose any less drenched, but a longer acclimation period might help you grow accustomed to your bottom’s new moisture content.
  4. Try slurping the dew off your seat before you ride. This one is a triple play: your fanny stays dry, your body stays hydrated and you conserve water at the same time. Waste not, want not, as they say.

If none of these approaches are suitable for your premium posterior, Nexustentialism would advise you to check to make sure you’ve removed your head from your backside before embarking on any nighttime bicycle ventures.


Max Myszkowski’s bike seat is dry, but his soul is wet.


Max Myszkowski
Max Myszkowski is a fourth-year chemistry major who has an unhealthy obsession with Storke Tower and currently serves as the editor of Nexustentialism. He is illiterate.