Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 9, 2020

UCSB Rescinds Bathroom Privileges Following Buchanan Vandalism

By Max Myszkowski

BUCHANAN HALL — Following a senseless act of vandalism in the Buchanan girls bathrooms, Chancellor Henry Yang released a statement today announcing that the bathroom privileges previously enjoyed by UCSB students were ...

February 6, 2020

Excess Waffle Batter Oozing from Waffle Machine Reminder That You’re a Failure

By Sierra Vakili

ORTEGA DINING COMMONS ‒ A shallow pool of wasted waffle batter solemnly finds itself spread out upon a pitiful tin pan underneath the machine for which it was intended. For second-year student Emma Fahler, this accumul...

February 6, 2020

Britain Leaves EU, Joins Channel Islands

By A. Wiessass

Concluding this chapter of British history last week, the UK has officially left the European Union. However, in a surprising turn of events, the island nation opted to join a different coalition: the Channel Islands. Th...

February 1, 2020

Heroes of Isla Vista: Hoe Doesn’t Get Cold

By Sierra Vakili

ISLA VISTA, CALIF. — Third-year student Lindsay Thompson has been turning heads this frigid winter quarter in the classic tube top and miniskirt combo — but Thompson, a Santa Barbara six at best, is not attracting an...

February 1, 2020

Mint Juul Pods Are Out, Here’s What We’re Vaping Now

By A. Wiessass

With the changing of the year, we had to bid farewell to a beloved staple of Isla Vistan life: flavored vape pods. We at the Nexus are taking this departure especially hard, but fear not! I am here to guide you through a...

January 24, 2020

Four Ways to Deal with Being Ghosted by the Guy Who Works at the UCen Starbucks

By Devi S. Tated

Getting ghosted is never fun, a relationship you felt was heading somewhere is completely obliterated by radio silence. But, getting ghosted by the guy who works at the University Center (UCen) Starbucks is a whole other...

January 24, 2020

An Ode to Buchanan, The Land That God Forgot

By Kian Karamdashti

Oh, Buchanan Hall, what is there left to say about such an iconic pillar of educational success. There are a lot of distinctive pieces of land on the UCSB campus: Storke Tower, South Hall, the area around the lagoon. Yet...

January 23, 2020

Heroic Bike Crash Bystander Isn’t Going To Stop and Help, But Hopes Everyone is OK

By Kian Karamdashti

Local outstanding citizen Randy Fygel is being hailed as a “local hero” after his actions today following a 27-bike pileup at the bike intersection by the Isla Vista Police station. According to witnesses at the sc...

January 23, 2020

UCSB Employees You’re Legally Allowed To Fuck

By Natalie Kothergirls

You’re back at it again, you sick hedonist! If you’ve spent the entirety of fall quarter desperately scouring around campus for a mere crumb of physical affection, scour no further — Nexustentialism has done your w...

January 20, 2020

Honors Program Now Accepting Students Who Can Bike With No Hands

By Max Myszkowski

In a statement released this afternoon, the UCSB Honors Program announced it would be automatically accepting all applicants who can ride their bikes with no hands. “It is our belief that students who have mastered the...

January 20, 2020

Dusty to Damp: A Girvetz Story

By A. Wiessass

She was never the hall that caught your eye. She was a mousy little hall that perpetually had a layer of dust across her face. She had spirit, but it was hard to see for she hid it in her dingy little bathrooms. After ye...

January 9, 2020

Top Five Gaucho Resolutions

By A. Wiessass

As the waters of 2019 evaporated to the relentless winds of time, many Gauchos saw themselves reflected in the puddles left behind and resolved to better themselves as they waded into the currents of 2020. Nexustentialis...

January 9, 2020

TPS Hiring! Only Asks That Applicants Be Scum of Earth

By Emma Demorest

A new job opportunity has opened up for students on campus this week at UCSB’s Transportation and Parking Services. Not just anyone can apply, however. To obtain a position within the department, Transportation and Par...

January 9, 2020

New Vaping Mortality Study Finds More Than 90% of Vapers Mortal

By Max Myszkowski

In the wake of a series of vaping-related maladies across the country, researchers in the UC Santa Barbara biology department have recently conducted a study regarding the mortality rates of individuals who vape. ...

January 2, 2020

Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese

By Jenny De La Cuadra

January 1, 2020

Decade Recap: Your 2010 Self Grossed Out You’ve Done Butt Stuff

By Sam Penn

Using advanced, highly sensitive technology that we won’t bother to explain now, Nexustentialism was able to catch up with your 2010 self and fill them in on all that you’ve been up to over the past ten years. “Are...