Nexustentialism

November 28, 2019

Horoscopes: Fart Edition

By Sierra Vakili

  ARIES (March 21 – April 19) See how long you can make your next fart last. You may be surprised by the result.   GEMINI (May 21- June 20) Be on the watch for two farts for the price of one.   CANCE...

November 26, 2019

How To Let Everyone Know You Went To The Gym One (1) Time

By Betty Cocker

The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it upon myself to burn...

November 26, 2019

Twist! TA Won’t Even Answer Own Question

By Dyl Dyl Wheede

  In a shocking but probably inevitable turn of events, the level of fucks given during section in Week Eight has dropped so low that not even the TA would answer his own question.  An 8:00 a.m. section of Greek my...

November 24, 2019

Trump Resigns After A.S. Senate Votes To Impeach

By Max Myszkowski

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announced his resignation f...

November 22, 2019

Oh Goodie! Your Bike Seat is Wet!

By Max Myszkowski

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his midnight grind sessi...

November 19, 2019

Top Five Chaser Alternatives

By Betty Cocker

Buying chaser can often be an afterthought. Sometimes, when you’re already starting the pregame, it’s too late to venture out into I.V. to actually buy some. We at Nexustentialism are here to bring you the best at-ho...

November 14, 2019

CALPIRG To Club a Baby Seal for Every Person Who Refuses To Sign Their Petitions

By Raffi Torres

In what can only be described as an aggressive marketing tactic, CALPIRG has decided that enough is enough with regard to the disrespect it has taken over the years and wants the student body to know that it means busine...

November 14, 2019

Sad! Local Vegan Won’t Even Eat Own Boogers

By Emma Demorest

Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers.  “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg Santos. “But you k...

November 14, 2019

Ahoy Matey! Capsized Sailboat To Be Turned Into “First-Year Living Community”

By Chace Duma

  A lot of you may have noticed somewhat of an empty feeling around Coal Oil Point this week, as if an old friend or a familiar face may have left the premises. You’d be correct, as the capsized sailboat that has ...

November 14, 2019

Local Drug Dealer Now Accepts Gaucho Bucks

By Raffi Torres

  Everyone knows someone who has been affected by the university’s arcade token analog and Bitcoin-ripoff, Gaucho Bucks. Who could forget the June realization that there is an unredeemable $400 on your Access Card...

November 12, 2019

Report: Roommate Used Goddamn Brita Filter Without Refilling It

By Max Myszkowski

  Reports are streaming in that second-year student Ava Turst reportedly used her roommate’s “goddamn” Brita filter without filling it back up afterwards. This allegation falls in the wake of several other sca...

November 7, 2019

Mom disappointed after parents’ weekend, “thought this was a party school”

By Chace Duma

  Having spent the previous weekend at Chico State doing keg stands and shotgunning beers with her son, “cool mom” Karen Smith, proud parent of a freshman at UC Santa Barbara, was thrilled at the idea of visitin...

November 4, 2019

BREAKING: Philosophy Major Has Thought

By Bianca Bitchandahalf

This is it, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived: A philosophy major thought of something. Considering most people only need to take Philosophy 1 to get enough introspection and bleak soul-searching for a ...

October 31, 2019

Top 10 Sexiest UC Santa Barbara-Related Costumes

By Max Myszkowski

  Sexy Mountain Lion   They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista: the infamous UCSB ...

October 31, 2019

Time Traveler Mistakes Halloween Locked-Down IV for Vintage Dystopian Novel

By A. Wiessass

  The realities of modern I.V. Halloween conditions drew sharp criticism this week when a temporally displaced traveler drew a comparison between late October Isla Vista and the dystopian world imagined in Orwell’...

October 31, 2019

How to Survive UCSB Flu Season

By Sierra Vakili

  It’s that time of year again — the skeletons are both spooky and scary, the usually bustling streets of Isla Vista have grown hauntingly quiet and during lecture, you’re surrounded on all sides by fellow Gau...