Nexustentialism

December 19, 2019

Oops! Student’s Soul That Left Body During Finals Returns to Econ Professor Gary Marvitz

By Emma Demorest

    Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime around his 10th Redbull l...

December 7, 2019

Rate of Seeing Ex-Lover at Lib Climbs to 200% as Finals Approach

By Sam Penn

In a recently published study, UCSB researchers estimate that the rate of crossing paths with your ex-lover at the library has climbed to a staggering 200% as finals draw near. The team notes that the stats will no doubt...

December 5, 2019

Local Stoner Commended by Community for Constant Stream of Smoking Content

By Chace Duma

Local stoner Kelly Smith, better known by her Snapchat pseudonym “Phatty Dabz,” has recently been recognized by the community for the constant stream of smoking videos she uploads daily to her Snapchat story.  “Yo...

December 2, 2019

Jack Johnson To Rebrand as “Lil’ Johnson”

By Emma Demorest

  In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the press this week that ...

November 28, 2019

Horoscopes: Fart Edition

By Sierra Vakili

  ARIES (March 21 – April 19) See how long you can make your next fart last. You may be surprised by the result.   GEMINI (May 21- June 20) Be on the watch for two farts for the price of one.   CANCE...

November 26, 2019

How To Let Everyone Know You Went To The Gym One (1) Time

By Betty Cocker

The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it upon myself to burn...

November 26, 2019

Twist! TA Won’t Even Answer Own Question

By Dyl Dyl Wheede

  In a shocking but probably inevitable turn of events, the level of fucks given during section in Week Eight has dropped so low that not even the TA would answer his own question.  An 8:00 a.m. section of Greek my...

November 24, 2019

Trump Resigns After A.S. Senate Votes To Impeach

By Max Myszkowski

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announced his resignation f...

November 22, 2019

Oh Goodie! Your Bike Seat is Wet!

By Max Myszkowski

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his midnight grind sessi...

November 19, 2019

Top Five Chaser Alternatives

By Betty Cocker

Buying chaser can often be an afterthought. Sometimes, when you’re already starting the pregame, it’s too late to venture out into I.V. to actually buy some. We at Nexustentialism are here to bring you the best at-ho...

November 14, 2019

CALPIRG To Club a Baby Seal for Every Person Who Refuses To Sign Their Petitions

By Raffi Torres

In what can only be described as an aggressive marketing tactic, CALPIRG has decided that enough is enough with regard to the disrespect it has taken over the years and wants the student body to know that it means busine...

November 14, 2019

Sad! Local Vegan Won’t Even Eat Own Boogers

By Emma Demorest

Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers.  “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg Santos. “But you k...

November 14, 2019

Ahoy Matey! Capsized Sailboat To Be Turned Into “First-Year Living Community”

By Chace Duma

  A lot of you may have noticed somewhat of an empty feeling around Coal Oil Point this week, as if an old friend or a familiar face may have left the premises. You’d be correct, as the capsized sailboat that has ...

November 14, 2019

Local Drug Dealer Now Accepts Gaucho Bucks

By Raffi Torres

  Everyone knows someone who has been affected by the university’s arcade token analog and Bitcoin-ripoff, Gaucho Bucks. Who could forget the June realization that there is an unredeemable $400 on your Access Card...

November 12, 2019

Report: Roommate Used Goddamn Brita Filter Without Refilling It

By Max Myszkowski

  Reports are streaming in that second-year student Ava Turst reportedly used her roommate’s “goddamn” Brita filter without filling it back up afterwards. This allegation falls in the wake of several other sca...

November 7, 2019

Mom disappointed after parents’ weekend, “thought this was a party school”

By Chace Duma

  Having spent the previous weekend at Chico State doing keg stands and shotgunning beers with her son, “cool mom” Karen Smith, proud parent of a freshman at UC Santa Barbara, was thrilled at the idea of visitin...