Nexustentialism

October 30, 2019

Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

By Max Myszkowski

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang to be nothing more t...

October 25, 2019

Wikihow: How to spell Nexustentialism

By Chace Duma

  Step 1: Check to see if you have a brain Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s your cerebral cortex, silly! Give your ol’ dome a couple of hearty taps with your knuckles to make sure that little rascal is still rat...

October 24, 2019

C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

By Emma Demorest

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side!” initiative.  T...

October 18, 2019

Diversity Win: Sorority Has Two Brunettes AND a Redhead!

By Souper Fischial

  Sororities are known for many things — the cult-like, ahem, cute chants and hand signals, the iconic squat and, of course, a homogenous hue of golden-to-brassy heads. Brilliantly, however, UC Santa Barbara’s v...

October 17, 2019

Five Most Eco-Friendly Ways to Get Shit-Faced

By Al Goer

Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up and you narrowly mis...

October 14, 2019

Asbestos in Ceiling Won’t Stop I.V. Rapper’s Mixtape From Being Fire

By Chace Duma

Popular I.V. rapper Lil’ Bestos has been preaching defiance after realizing that there is asbestos in his new I.V. apartment. “When I heard that this ‘asbestos’ is a fire retardant,” Bestos said, shooting a gla...

October 10, 2019

Freshman Gets Trapped in Middle of Storke Tower Bike Loop, Has Panic Attack, Is Rescued

By Kian Karamdashti

In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became trapped in the middle ...

October 10, 2019

Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

By Max Myszkowski

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while trying to take the 24X fr...

October 10, 2019

BREAKING: Rival Mascots Olé Gaucho and Musty the Mustang Caught in Affair

By Bianca Bitchandahalf

It’s the time of year when our beloved Blue-Green rivalry is in full swing. Soccer players are soccer playing, Gauchos are Loco-ing and everyone is perfecting their “Fuck Cal Poly” cheers.  But this time, there’...

October 8, 2019

Best and Worst Majors by Smell

By A. Wiessass

  We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, here are some genera...

October 3, 2019

UCSB Mountain Lion: Where Is He Now?

By Christina Muoio

  The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made the move-in process...

October 1, 2019

Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

By Max Myszkowski

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close look at the property h...

October 1, 2019

A Brief History of Storke Tower

By Emma Demorest

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disinterested with the i...

September 26, 2019

Freshman and Former NASA Intern Can’t Wrap Head Around Bike Loops

By Sierra Vakili

  A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.  Stein, despite graduating as her high s...

September 12, 2019

Freshman Lauded as “Hall Genius” After Repeatedly Revealing ACT Score and High School GPA to His Floormates

By Chace Duma

  Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of  San Nicolas.  “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whispered freshman Hugh ...

September 10, 2019

Breaking: The Boys’ Fat Clouds Cause of I.V. Summer Fog

By Ollie Tabooger

ISLA VISTA, Calif. – After weeks of research conducted by UCSB’s Department of Environmental Studies, scientists have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of Isla Vista’s unusually foggy summer. Empirical eviden...