Max Myszkowski / Daily Nexus

You’re back at it again, you sick hedonist! If you’ve spent the entirety of fall quarter desperately scouring around campus for a mere crumb of physical affection, scour no further — Nexustentialism has done your work for you and compiled a quick and easy reference guide of members of the UCSB employee base with whom you are legally permitted to fornicate! Conveniently organized in order of fuckability, the following are options to fill the hole that your absent father left you with:

Arbor Employees

With their empty facial expressions and apparent soullessness, employees of everyone’s favorite mini-mart have the sexual allure of a mayonnaise-filled Nike crew sock. Despite their unequivocally rancid air, Arbor staff are fair game for fucking. Plus, the Arbor offers a great escape from ever-present roommates, complete with a wide variety of refreshments!

Student Health Staff

Although we here at Nexustentialism cannot see the appeal in the golden girls and boys of the Student Health Center, you, dear reader, are another story. At least they’ll keep it confidential!

Mental Health Peers

There’s nothing better than communicating your feelings in a healthy, safe environment. If good mental health gets you going, these university-employed students are your best bet by far.


These burly babes will leave you saying ole, ole, ole! Community Service Officers are a great option for those of you with a more butch type. Call them up for an “escort home” and let nature take its course!

CLAS Tutors

The closest you’re legally allowed to get to fucking your hot TA!

Professors That Aren’t Yours

Finally, the most fuckable of those you are legally within your bounds to hook up with: a professor that you just don’t happen to be the student of. No conflict of interest, no awkward in-class encounters, no problem!


Remember — stay safe, get consent and don’t step outside your university-imposed legal boundaries. 


Natalie Kothergirls is a virgin but has a vivid imagination.


Natalie Kothergirls
I'm here to chew bubble gum and write satire... and I'm all out of bubble gum.