Nexustentialism

September 26, 2019

Freshman and Former NASA Intern Can’t Wrap Head Around Bike Loops

By Sierra Vakili

  A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.  Stein, despite graduating as her high s...

September 12, 2019

Freshman Lauded as “Hall Genius” After Repeatedly Revealing ACT Score and High School GPA to His Floormates

By Chace Duma

  Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of  San Nicolas.  “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whispered freshman Hugh ...

September 10, 2019

Breaking: The Boys’ Fat Clouds Cause of I.V. Summer Fog

By Ollie Tabooger

ISLA VISTA, Calif. – After weeks of research conducted by UCSB’s Department of Environmental Studies, scientists have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of Isla Vista’s unusually foggy summer. Empirical eviden...

September 4, 2019

Oops! Barefoot Granola Girl Gets Broken Glass in Toe While Walking in I.V.

By Emma Demorest

  Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall.  Trinkino, an environmental studies major, seemed shocked a...

August 29, 2019

Friends Discover Housemate’s Inability To Clean Result of Dad’s Multimillion Dollar Company

By Sam Penn

Fourth years Elijah Borf and Daniel Rodriguez discovered this week that friend and housemate Ethan Roberts actually has a pretty fucking rich dad. This discovery ties a lot of loose ends together for Borf and Rodriguez, ...

August 22, 2019

Breaking News: Freshman Girl to Have Fairy Lights, Photo of Boyfriend

By Emma Demorest

The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.

August 22, 2019

Despite Contradicting Claims, Student Really Just Watched Netflix All Summer

By Kian Karamdashti

“Oh, this summer’s going to be an absolute movieeeeeeee! The time of our lives!”

August 16, 2019

Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

By Max Myszkowski

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller coaster on the summ...

August 13, 2019

Friend Somehow Just Has All the Internships?

By Sam Penn

Breaking: It has recently dawned on incoming junior Marissa Torrez that close friend and housemate Alexandra Lee manages each year to somehow have all the internships.  Amidst many Facebook posts voicing her gratitude i...

August 7, 2019

Majority of UCSB Emails Now Phishing Scams

By Max Myszkowski

  This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the notifications sent to s...

August 2, 2019

UCSB Goes D-1 in Gaucho Ball

By Henri Bemis

  First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drinking ritual! As of th...

July 29, 2019

UCSB Campus Bathrooms: Ranked

By Christina Muoio

Summer school means that I take a lot of shits on campus, because I don’t have time to go home between classes, work and my internship. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of the best and the worst restrooms that UCSB ha...

July 23, 2019

Wild West Summer Sessions: Lone Tumbleweed Drifts Through Streets of I.V.

By Max Myszkowski

  In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets of Isla Vista has sky...

July 19, 2019

Summertime Campus Renovations: Girvetz Hall Gets Fresh Coat of Dust

By Ryan Milton

  Though many students think of summer as providing perfect day-drinking weather and not much else, it is also prime time for renovations across campus. As if there weren’t enough construction projects during the ...

July 16, 2019

Second-Year With Internship Reportedly “Loves Corporate Life”

By Betty Cocker

  Second-year communication major Luke Hampton is spending his summer on the lowest possible rung of the corporate ladder and is having a really awesome time, in case you were wondering. According to Hampton’s Lin...

July 8, 2019

What Your Backpack Says About You

By A. Wiessass

  A little known fact about college is that it’s actually just like high school, if you can’t get in with the cool kids, you may as well be out. As the social hierarchy of our fine university relies heavily on t...