It’s that time of year again — the skeletons are both spooky and scary, the usually bustling streets of Isla Vista have grown hauntingly quiet and during lecture, you’re surrounded on all sides by fellow Gauchos who seem to have small rodents living within their lungs based on how violently they’re coughing. Autumn is here, and the petri dish of Isla Vista is ready to deliver its infamous speciality: UCSB flu season.
If you have somehow managed to evade the horseman of pestilence thus far, here are some tips and tricks for getting through the rest of this god-forsaken era.
- Always Remember To Lock Your Bike
This first strategy to tackle flu season acts as a deterrent. When the flu sees your dedication to defending your belongings, your ironclad commitment will give off an aura intimidating enough to scare the flu off completely.
2. Stream Taylor Swift’s “Lover” on Spotify and Apple Music
No one can be hostile while listening to some funky tunes, and the flu is no exception. Taylor Swift’s new album is sure to help the flu forget all about its obligations to plague you! Just pull up your streaming service of choice and let the queen of pop do your work for you.
3. Make a Shitty Meme
After getting brutally and mercilessly meme’d, the flu will be so embarrassed that it will have no choice but to leave you alone.
4. Get a Hobby, You Sad Man
If you really want to distract your flu, give it a hobby. Subsequently, your diseased companion will gain a newfound sense of purpose. It’ll eventually realize that trying to put down others is a temporary solution to a long-term internal issue that needs to be addressed through healthy, productive means. I recommend learning a new instrument or taking up fishing.
5. Tell the Flu to Knock It Off
If all else fails, bully the flu into leaving you alone. I usually find that a good, stern warning shows the flu that you mean business, especially if accompanied by an indignant fist-shaking.
Sierra Vakili thinks the flu is too mainstream, so she has decided to contract rabies instead.