Nexustentialism

June 25, 2019

Confession: My Roommates are Subletting and I’m Scared

By Arthur King

My roommates like to surprise me by not telling me any information whatsoever. I don’t even blame them; it makes life more thrilling. So, you can imagine my surprise when all three of my roommates said that their suble...

June 6, 2019

Graduating Alcoholic Takes Grad Photos in SOS Liquor

By Ollie Tabuzzball

In an unsurprising yet disappointing series of photos, it would appear that local senior and alcoholic Becca Chugg took her graduation photos in SOS Liquor, citing the memories and lessons learned from SOS that helped sh...

June 5, 2019

Senior Breaks Up With Sophomore Girlfriend

By Christina Muoio

As the end of the year approaches, graduating seniors in romantic relationships are faced with a difficult decision: marry their college sweetheart or break up with them. Seeing that breaking up is much easier than being...

June 5, 2019

“Who do you know here,” Says TA at Professor’s Office Hours, Near Finals Week

By Samantha Truant

As finals week creeps near, students across campus are gracing their professors’ office hours, many for the first time all quarter. This has led to massive overcrowding in the office hours for a Theatre 5 class.

June 4, 2019

Hot Takes with Jakey Fades

By Jake Feder

What is a hot take? I like slangit.com’s definition: “A hot take is a term that refers to a controversial opinion. It is referred to as ‘hot’ because it goes against the majority of opinions and can rile people u...

June 4, 2019

Missed Connection: You Ran Into Me on the Bike Path and It Was Love at First Collision

By Arthur King

Among Free and For Sale’s desperate pleas for a subleaser and the demand for cute, trendy clothes, there exists a subset of the posts that are specifically tailored to one individual.

June 3, 2019

TA of Monday Morning Discussion Section Gets Sexual Pleasure From Hearing What You Did This Weekend

By Ryan Milton

It takes an especially driven person to become a TA for a class of undergraduate students and even more so for those brave souls who decide to take on discussion sections on Monday mornings. We at Nexustentialism wanted ...

May 31, 2019

How to be Indie: As Told By a True Indie Gaucho

By Avocado Feminist

As an indie person at UCSB, I feel it’s so important to highlight the lifestyle and life choices of an Indie in the UCSB community, as we are so often marginalized by the many frat, srat and basic white (I am also whit...

May 31, 2019

Ortega Chef Regains Sense of Taste After 20 Long Years

By A. Wiessass

In an email from UCSB Housing, Dining & Auxiliary Enterprises, it was announced that the head chef and meal planner for Ortega Dining Commons has regained his sense of taste after 20 years of being bereft of it.

May 30, 2019

Fear of Bad Evals Leads TA To Mutter Tentative F- Word

By Maddie Smith

As we near the end of Spring Quarter, evaluations are imminent. TAs around campus are reporting a creeping feeling as if their future as graduate students could be ruined by a few asshole undergrads. In order to remedy t...

May 30, 2019

Ollie Tabooger and The Never-Ender Senior Sender Bender

By Ariana Marmolejo

DEL PLAYA DRIVE — Late one fateful night on Week 9 of Spring Quarter, resident senior and party connoisseur Ollie Tabooger was hit with a fleeting epiphany. Reflecting on his last four years of party-hopping and drunke...

May 28, 2019

I.V. Cop Consistently Outsmarted by Drunk Girl

By Bianca Bitchandahalf

Officer Gregory Dillweed has officially retired from I.V. Foot Patrol after 14 years of proud service because he could not overcome Isla Vista’s most dangerous natural predator: sassy drunk girls.

May 24, 2019

Weekly Spotlight: Storke Tower Ducklings

By Emma Demorest

It is with much delight that the Nexus presents the recipients of this week’s character spotlight: the Storke Plaza ducklings! These nine little angels have graced Storke Plaza pond with their lovely little quacks for ...

May 24, 2019

Storke Speaks Out: Here’s What The Tower Has to Say

By Max Myszkowski

The Nexus recently conducted an interview with well-known phallic symbol and campus icon, Storke Tower, in hopes of learning more about the inner machinations of the enigmatic mind of the landmark. For years, Storke Towe...

May 22, 2019

Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

By Max Myszkowski

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fellow classmates by con...

May 21, 2019

Jack Johnson, Jack Johnson

By John Jackson

This past weekend was Jack Johnson’s birthday! So, here at the Nexus, we just wanted to wish Jack Johnson a happy birthday! Jack Johnson’s birthday this year will be his 44th. Not many people know this, but Jack John...