Nexustentialism

May 24, 2019

Storke Speaks Out: Here’s What The Tower Has to Say

By Max Myszkowski

The Nexus recently conducted an interview with well-known phallic symbol and campus icon, Storke Tower, in hopes of learning more about the inner machinations of the enigmatic mind of the landmark. For years, Storke Towe...

May 22, 2019

Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

By Max Myszkowski

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fellow classmates by con...

May 21, 2019

Jack Johnson, Jack Johnson

By John Jackson

This past weekend was Jack Johnson’s birthday! So, here at the Nexus, we just wanted to wish Jack Johnson a happy birthday! Jack Johnson’s birthday this year will be his 44th. Not many people know this, but Jack John...

May 21, 2019

UCSB to Introduce College of Jack Johnson

By John Johnson, Jack Jackson

This week, UCSB announced that it will start breaking ground for the College of Jack Johnson, a department within the university that is dedicated to Jack Johnson studies. Johnson, an alumnus at UCSB, is being honored wi...

May 20, 2019

Extravaganza Sounded Awesome From the Line Three Miles Away!

By Betty Cocker

A series of successful events from A.S. Program Board came to a grinding halt on Sunday when 2019’s Extravaganza was determined to be the biggest clusterfuck in recent memory. It appears that Program Board blew their b...

May 17, 2019

Goth Girl Sues Sorority for Making Doc Martens Popular Again

By Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way

It seems Kappa Kappa Gumbo has gotten itself into another legal fiasco, this time for enraging the goth community. The culprit? Doc Martens.

May 17, 2019

100% Of UCSB Long-Distance Relationships Would Rapidly Implode if Couple Ever Hung Out In in Person, Study Finds

By Daniel Carroll

A school-wide study conducted by UCSB’s Department of Communication revealed that 100% of long-distance relationships based out of UCSB would rapidly implode if the couple ever spent extensive time together in person. ...

May 16, 2019

Coughing in Lecture Hall Recreates Beethoven’s Fifth

By Ima Noyed

In a miraculous turn of events last week, midterms on UCSB campus became mysteriously musical. Surely every student who has had the misfortune of slogging through the college cold and flu season (which is literally just ...

May 16, 2019

Senior Reminisces on Marks He Has Left on UCSB

By Mark E. Stain

ISLA VISTA — Graduating senior Bob Lee-Fluids seductively laid upon his hand-me-down couch in his Del Playa home contemplating the last four years of his college experience. He looked lovingly upon the blue Frost Four ...

May 15, 2019

Student Too Embarrassed to Return to Bike Shop, Walks to Class Instead

By Kian Karamdashti

Pop! Third-year UC Santa Barbara student Anthony Wheeler knew the sound all too well. The back inner tube of his bike had popped and soon the sound of grinding metal on concrete soon grew apparent as he slowly attempted ...

May 14, 2019

Extravaganza Lineup Announcement Unjustly Forces Students to Listen to New Music

By Jared Spleez

Once again, Extravaganza season is upon us and with the release of the lineup for the highly anticipated concert on Sunday, there is a wide mix of reactions among students. With big names like Aminé and Playboi Carti se...

May 14, 2019

Chancellor Yang to Headline Extravaganza

By Christina Muoio

Well folks, you heard it here first. Our beloved Chancellor, Henry T. Yang, will be headlining this year’s Extravaganza festival, according to A.S. Program Board, who announced the lineup yesterday.

May 14, 2019

Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

By Max Myszkowski

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how - that’s right: pil...

May 13, 2019

HERO ALERT: Man Goes Down on Woman

By Betty Cocker

ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — A bold and valiant display of heroism took place in the wee hours of Saturday morning when local man Bryce Daniels performed oral sex on his girlfriend Jessica Payton.

May 10, 2019

BREAKING: College Professor Actually Just Big Idiot

By Arthur King

This past Tuesday, Professor Joe Kerr of environmental studies accidentally misprinted the midterm for a class of over 800 students. As it turns out, Kerr printed a midterm from Winter Quarter three years ago and distrib...

May 9, 2019

Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

By Max Myszkowski

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time high.