A little known fact about college is that it’s actually just like high school, if you can’t get in with the cool kids, you may as well be out. As the social hierarchy of our fine university relies heavily on the ancient code of backpacks, we at Nexustentialism have created the list below so fellow gauchos can judge their peers accordingly.
If you are one of the many Gauchos who opts for the standard JanSport backpack, you are making one thing clear about yourself: your entire identity centers around being a college student.
Someone who wears a Fjällräven backpack is someone who clearly values aesthetic over function. If you wear a Fjällräven bag, it is likely that you frequent thrift shops (even though you don’t have to), have a picture by the art building mural on your Tinder and have film pictures of yourself and your friends drinking red wine out of mugs.
JanSport with leather bottom and pins
For when you want to be indie, but your parents wouldn’t drop that Fjällräven type of money on a book bag. These bags are to Fjällräven as Target-brand ibuprofen is to name-brand Advil.
North Face or Patagonia
How was living in the suburbs of Oakland? How was going on hikes with your completely functional family? How is going to the Gaviota Wind Caves every other weekend to “reconnect with nature”? If you wear one of these sporty bags, I can guarantee that your love of granola is only trumped by your love of kombucha.
You are either a grad student or attempting to look like one. If you are the latter, you are definitely the second year that won’t shut the fuck up about how you have senior standing and studies exclusively at Cajé and Old Town Coffee.
There are a couple subtypes here.
- You skipped four grades and came to college straight from middle school (which is the last possible time it was acceptable to have a rolling bag).
- You are from a country that doesn’t have wheeless bags.
- You don’t know how to ride a bike, but you feel that being on two wheels is an essential facet of the Gaucho identity, so these bags are the perfect solution.
A. Wiessass is contemplating carrying around a cardboard box instead of wearing his backpack.
A. Wiessass is a UCSB undergrad who likes to keep to himself. He lives deep in the Santa Ynez Mountains at the site of the mountain parties. He leaves his compound very rarely, only to write satire and to stock up on fruit gummies and vape juice. If you wish to contact A. Wiessass, howl at the moon and wait for it to howl back.