A. Wiessass

A. Wiessass is a UCSB undergrad who likes to keep to himself. He lives deep in the Santa Ynez Mountains at the site of the mountain parties. He leaves his compound very rarely, only to write satire and to stock up on fruit gummies and vape juice. If you wish to contact A. Wiessass, howl at the moon and wait for it to howl back.

May 27, 2022

From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

By A. Wiessass, A Hercules

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist system due to COVID-19,...

February 17, 2022

Entomology Department Really Excited for Black History Moth

By A. Wiessass

UC Santa Barbara’s relatively quiet entomology department has recently exhibited an uncommon bit of excitement in the wake of the discovery of a rare species of the family Arctiidae: the Black History Moth

September 23, 2021

Senior Dreading Seeing That One Bitch

By A. Wiessass

With our return to in-person instruction, we all know we are bound to see that one bitch that can make our blood run cold and boil simultaneously.

August 26, 2021

Incoming Freshman Leaks Own SSN To Integrate Into Campus Culture

By A. Wiessass

One incoming freshman has gone above and beyond in his efforts to find his fit on campus and has leaked his own social security number in order to find common ground with elder Gauchos.

August 5, 2021

Bee Population Nearly Annihilated After Year Without CALPIRG Harassment

By A. Wiessass

Many have been both shocked and saddened by this news, but also deeply surprised by the reason behind this decline.

July 30, 2021

Oh No! Isla Vista Roller Skaters Realize They Can’t All Be The Main Character

By A. Wiessass

DEL PLAYA ROAD — Dust and confusion were both kicked up into the air on Saturday as 24 separate roller skaters collided in what can only be described as a cartoon-like whirlwind of limbs and wheels. The accident sent s...

April 23, 2021

A.S. Candidates to Receive Honorary Theater Degree in Light of Recent Performativity

By A. Wiessass

"All of these prospective senators have worked so hard to put on the mask of progress and social justice in such a diligent manner that their efforts mirror those of the greatest method actors of our time. Their ability ...

January 8, 2021

Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen

By A. Wiessass

“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods.

November 11, 2020

Frats Test Positive for Everything

By A. Wiessass

Public health officials were asked for comment, but were too busy banging their heads against the walls of their office and muttering, “How fucking dumb can these kids be,” under their breaths.

October 16, 2020

Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

By A. Wiessass

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysis, fugly.

three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

September 11, 2020

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

By A. Wiessass

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.

May 31, 2020

Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

By A. Wiessass

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.

April 24, 2020

Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

By A. Wiessass

With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-around” funds. 1.About ...

March 10, 2020

Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

By A. Wiessass

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for classes early in their...

March 1, 2020

Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

By A. Wiessass

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as “a lack of influe...

February 14, 2020

Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

By A. Wiessass

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measly tithes. Experts ar...