Incoming Freshman Leaks Own SSN To Integrate Into Campus Culture

One incoming freshman has gone above and beyond in his efforts to find his fit on campus and has leaked his own social security number in order to find common ground with elder Gauchos.
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Bee Population Nearly Annihilated After Year Without CALPIRG Harassment

Many have been both shocked and saddened by this news, but also deeply surprised by the reason behind this decline.
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Oh No! Isla Vista Roller Skaters Realize They Can’t All Be The Main Character

DEL PLAYA ROAD — Dust and confusion were both kicked up into the air on Saturday as 24 separate roller skaters collided in what can only be described as a cartoon-like whirlwind of limbs and wheels....
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A.S. Candidates to Receive Honorary Theater Degree in Light of Recent Performativity

"All of these prospective senators have worked so hard to put on the mask of progress and social justice in such a diligent manner that their efforts mirror those of the greatest method actors of our ...
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Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen

“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods.
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Frats Test Positive for Everything

Public health officials were asked for comment, but were too busy banging their heads against the walls of their office and muttering, “How fucking dumb can these kids be,” under their breaths.
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Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysi...
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three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.
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three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.
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Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

  With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measl...
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Britain Leaves EU, Joins Channel Islands

Concluding this chapter of British history last week, the UK has officially left the European Union. However, in a surprising turn of events, the island nation opted to join a different coalition: the...
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Mint Juul Pods Are Out, Here’s What We’re Vaping Now

With the changing of the year, we had to bid farewell to a beloved staple of Isla Vistan life: flavored vape pods. We at the Nexus are taking this departure especially hard, but fear not! I am here to...
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