A.S. Candidates to Receive Honorary Theater Degree in Light of Recent Performativity

"All of these prospective senators have worked so hard to put on the mask of progress and social justice in such a diligent manner that their efforts mirror those of the greatest method actors of our ...
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Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen

“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods.
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Frats Test Positive for Everything

Public health officials were asked for comment, but were too busy banging their heads against the walls of their office and muttering, “How fucking dumb can these kids be,” under their breaths.
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Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysi...
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three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden
three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.
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Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.
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Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

  With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measl...
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Britain Leaves EU, Joins Channel Islands

Concluding this chapter of British history last week, the UK has officially left the European Union. However, in a surprising turn of events, the island nation opted to join a different coalition: the...
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Mint Juul Pods Are Out, Here’s What We’re Vaping Now

With the changing of the year, we had to bid farewell to a beloved staple of Isla Vistan life: flavored vape pods. We at the Nexus are taking this departure especially hard, but fear not! I am here to...
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Dusty to Damp: A Girvetz Story

She was never the hall that caught your eye. She was a mousy little hall that perpetually had a layer of dust across her face. She had spirit, but it was hard to see for she hid it in her dingy little...
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Top Five Gaucho Resolutions

As the waters of 2019 evaporated to the relentless winds of time, many Gauchos saw themselves reflected in the puddles left behind and resolved to better themselves as they waded into the currents of ...
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Time Traveler Mistakes Halloween Locked-Down IV for Vintage Dystopian Novel

  The realities of modern I.V. Halloween conditions drew sharp criticism this week when a temporally displaced traveler drew a comparison between late October Isla Vista and the dystopian world i...
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