Rallied by the battle cries of right-wing radicals who invaded the U.S. Capitol in an attempt to halt the verification of the 2020 presidential election, hundreds of UCSB’s confused Campus Republicans have stormed the University Center in their own act of minor-league sedition. The UCPD rushed to the scene Wednesday shortly after calls came in reporting the siege of the University Center and attached food court. Hoping to impinge upon the U.S. election process in an act of political protest, the UCen interlopers fortunately settled for a coup de Subway.
Unhappy with the results of an election they believe to be plagued by fraud (a myth conveniently proliferated by the election’s loser), these conservative dissidents have failed to accept the results of the latest U.S. presidential election and, in response — rather than reevaluate their political ideologies to put their efforts toward lessening human suffering — have decided to go fuck around in the student store or some shit.
“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods. Another right-wing agitator was spotted ransacking the Panda Express. When reporters inquired as to what he was doing, he said he was “LOOKING FOR THOSE LOST BALLOTS, BROTHER!” Despite presumably never finding these supposed missing ballots, he did emerge with handfuls of fortune cookie slips some minutes later. “Look! This one says, ‘Your food poisoning is from another restaurant.’ That’s definitely a vote for Trump.”
Eventually, all these violent protestors were leisurely rounded up from within the UCen and stuffed in the drunk tank of the I.V. Foot Patrol office. After officials appraised the wreckage within the UCen, it seems that most of the damage was to the rioters’ pride.
After all was said and done, this reporter couldn’t help but notice that these proud boys weren’t looking too proud after this one.
A. Wiessass must ask: You threw a coup for who? Really?