While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.

Studies have shown that while men are usually as good as women at estimating lengths, they have extreme trouble with lengths around six. They just can’t do it. They just can’t.

“We have yet to find the exact cause of this miscalculation,” said Nadia Tallenuff, an expert in the topic. “However, men can perceive lengths like 5-foot-10 and even lengths as short as 5-foot-8 as roughly equivalent to 6 feet.” Tallenuff later asked that we “not even get her started on the 6-inch mark.”

Gov. Gavin Newsom has responded by trying to educate Californian men on how long 6 feet actually is. “It’s like six-and-a-half footballs, pointy end to pointy end … or like 15 beer cans stacked and taped together … or about 3.3 newborn babies, foot to head,” said Newsom, who continued listing things approximating 6 feet in length for 45 more minutes.

While men across the world have been sent reeling by these findings, one group is utterly unshocked: women. In fact, women (all of them) issued a statement shortly after the release of this study which simply read, “Yeah, we know.”

While men, en masse, are unsure of how to proceed, one local said, “I’m just gonna keep telling bitches I’m about 6 feet tall. What are they gonna do? Measure me?”  

A. Wiessass is not quite a short king and not quite a tall king … maybe he’s not a king at all. :(


A. Wiessass
A. Wiessass is a UCSB undergrad who likes to keep to himself. He lives deep in the Santa Ynez Mountains at the site of the mountain parties. He leaves his compound very rarely, only to write satire and to stock up on fruit gummies and vape juice. If you wish to contact A. Wiessass, howl at the moon and wait for it to howl back.