With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-around” funds.
1.About 200 I.V. Bagel Café “Eggles”
Bagel Café is the spiritual heart of Isla Vista, so we here at Nexustentialism feel there is no better way for a Gaucho to spend their IRS endowment than on 196 of their most average menu item. I’m not sure who exactly wants this many egg-centric bagel sandwiches, but thanks to the government’s pitiful attempt at personal economic stabilization, they are currently within your grasp. There are far better menu items at this same price point, but the Eggle seemed fitting because it is probably better as a unit of measurement than as a food item.
2.Forty Eighths of Shitty I.V. Weed
Although most of us have access to higher-quality pot, nothing feels more like home than a “very mid” eighth from this guy you met in the dorms during freshman year. And if that feels like home, how about feeling like home 40 times over? Besides, there’s nothing like reinvesting in your community by supporting local businesses!
3.Nothing, Because Your Parents Claim You as a Dependant
Oh, you don’t file your own taxes? That’s so embarrassing. You know it takes like 20 minutes, like, what’s your excuse? Now look at you, your parents are rolling in the dough that is rightfully yours. You can take this as an opportunity to better yourself in the future or to enact a revenge plot against your parents. Your choice.
4.One and a Half Months of Rent for Your Isla Vistan Shack
You know your apartment in I.V. you can’t go to because you are quarantined at your parent’s house? Yeah, you could use your stimulus check to make sure you don’t get evicted from a place that you don’t actually live in. As the world trends more and more toward a “Mad Max”-esque hellscape, it seems clear that Isla Vista realty groups will be the first to draw blood. Accrue affinity while you can, and pray they take pity on you.
5. 0.5% of Your Education
That’s right. Not 5%, but zero-point-five percent of the cost of a four-year, in-state UCSB education. That means you would need 20,000 coronavirus stimulus checks to cover the cost of your (probably fucking useless) bachelor’s degree. Think about that. The government really said that a month of your life is worth about $1,200, but somehow a degree in fucking communications is worth exponentially more? Highly dubious.
A. Wiessass forgot to factor in sales tax and doesn’t care to recalculate.
A. Wiessass is a UCSB undergrad who likes to keep to himself. He lives deep in the Santa Ynez Mountains at the site of the mountain parties. He leaves his compound very rarely, only to write satire and to stock up on fruit gummies and vape juice. If you wish to contact A. Wiessass, howl at the moon and wait for it to howl back.