Nexustentialism

May 9, 2019

Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

By Max Myszkowski

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time high.

May 7, 2019

Spotify Targets Young Singles With Ambient 8-Hour Playlist of Couples Arguing

By Daniel Carroll

In an effort to acquire young single listeners, Spotify has released an eight-hour-long playlist featuring the ambient back-and-forths of couples arguing. The “Couples Arguing” playlist features a diverse range of co...

May 6, 2019

How To Break Your RA in the Final Quarter

By Sadie Istic

Freshmen, you’ve almost made it through your first year of college, and we at Nexustentialism would like to sincerely congratulate you! We believe that a fitting celebration would be mentally breaking your RA to the po...

May 3, 2019

Non-Traditional Student Mom Somehow Able To Make All Class Content Relate Back to Ten-Year-Old Son, Ethan

By Sam Penn

Students of History 178B: US Wealth and Poverty have found that somehow, all class content ties back to non-traditional and fellow student Tammy Oblesky’s son, Ethan.

May 2, 2019

Breaking: EX-S.T.E.M. Major Finds New Ways To Hate Her Life

By Carly Kay

After switching her major from biochemistry to medieval studies, third-year Ima Noying has longed to fill the empty void in her heart that used to be nourished by the steady source of suffering associated with being a S....

May 1, 2019

Alumna Finally Shoots Her Shot With Cutie From the Fourth Floor

By Maddie Smith

This alumni weekend was said to cause nostalgia in old Gauchos who came back for one last hurrah. So much nostalgia, in fact, that multiple alumni were seen trying to rekindle romances with their drunken hookups and thei...

May 1, 2019

Stagecoach Takes All the Racism Away from I.V. for the Weekend

By Raffi Torres

This weekend, in unprecedented fashion, Isla Vista witnessed an absolute first that shocked the local authorities. What was that first? Isla Vista experienced no racist incidents for the first time since March 1987.

April 30, 2019

Alumnus Visits His Former I.V. House, Forces Current Residents on a Trip Down Memory Lane

By Chad Wilson

Alumni weekend provides former Gauchos a chance to escape the grueling reality of adulthood by letting them roam around their old stomping grounds to relive the peak of their existence. Between awkward appearances at par...

April 29, 2019

Friendship Manor Planning Rush Events for Alumni Weekend

By Betty Cocker

In eager anticipation for the 2019 UC Santa Barbara Alumni Weekend, Isla Vista’s own retirement home, Friendship Manor, is planning a spring rush in the hopes of gaining pledges in the form of UCSB's former frat stars.

April 26, 2019

Surprise, Bitch! Bet You Thought You’d Seen the Last of Me: By the UCen Bird

By UCen Bird

A lot can change in a year. Students come and go, relationships will form and crumble and people keep deciding to switch majors. However, some things will never change.

April 26, 2019

UCSB Academic Ranking Plummets as Alumni Return to Campus

By Max Myszkowski

It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.

April 24, 2019

UCSB Wifi Goes Down On You, But Your UCSB Man Still Won’t

By Connie Lingus

At approximately 1:17 pm, it was reported that the entire UCSB campus network went down, but your boyfriend still won’t. In fact, the UCSB wifi goes down on you all the time, but can you remember the last time your boy...

April 24, 2019

Campus-wide WiFi Outage Reduces Number of A.S. Election Voters From 1 to 0

By Digby Cullen

UC SANTA BARBARA - At approximately 1:17 p.m. this Wednesday, the UCSB campus network went down. This resulted in the loss of internet access across the entire campus in addition to the loss of access to Gauchospace, G.O...

April 24, 2019

Young Woman Rolls Three Days in a Row at Coachella, Becomes Mental Health Advocate

By Ryan Milton

As the second weekend of the famous music festival Coachella came to a close this Sunday, many Gauchos returned to Isla Vista with great memories, debt and hangovers. Not wanting to ever forget their amazing weekend fill...

April 22, 2019

Student Gazes Wistfully Into Eyes of Freshman-Year Gauchospace Profile Picture, Longs for Simpler, More Innocent Times

By Max Myszkowski

Recently, Gauchospace released yet another of its periodic site updates — this time including the addition of each user’s student ID photo to its homepage, which students must access in order to view information abou...

April 19, 2019

Short Kings Lament: Tall White Man Stealing All the Girls

By Raffi Torres

In 2018, “Florida Man” became a natural phenomenon in pop culture. While not honing in on one specific individual, the term “Florida Man” has been used to encompass the community of strange individuals behind the...