Nexustentialism

April 18, 2019

Jesus Endorses Nexustentialism

By Nexustentialism Staff

Jesus has officially endorsed Nexustentialism! Watch this to learn more about what Christ and the angels think of the best satire section on Earth (and heaven).

April 17, 2019

Gaucho Grad Guide: Great Career Paths for Theater Majors!

By Ollie Tabooger

Hey, Gauchos! We know graduation is just around the corner, and with that energy on the horizon, we at Nexustentialism would love to provide some insight into post-grad options for both graduating seniors as well as fres...

April 16, 2019

Young-Looking Second Year Attends Spring Insight in Quest for Free Shit

By J. Matteo Wharton

In an attempt to squeeze every dollar and cent out of her tuition, second-year Penney Pinscher has taken to the sidewalks of UCSB this last weekend looking to pull a fast one on those tabling for clubs and various school...

April 15, 2019

UCSB Enforces Shoe Wearing Policy During Spring Insight

By Christina Muoio

In an email released yesterday, Chancellor Yang wrote the student body to enforce the use of footwear during Spring Insight.

April 12, 2019

Senior From Newport Beginning To Feel Crippling Pressure of Deciding Which of Parents’ Friends To Get Job From

By Daniel Carroll

With only months until graduation, fourth-year global studies major Charlie Andrews has reportedly been experiencing a crippling panic of deciding which of his parent’s business mogul friends he should reach out to for...

April 12, 2019

CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee

By Sam Penn

After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally save a bee.

April 11, 2019

A Cry for Help: This Man Wears Basketball Jerseys as Shirts

By Bianca Bitchandahalf

‘Twas a brave, young fellow indeed who stepped out of his front door onto the streets of Isla Vista last weekend, wiping away tears and wearing a Golden State jersey in place of the usual (and preferred by the public),...

April 11, 2019

UCSB Tour Guide Walks Backward into Hell

By Lucy Fuhr

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, third-year Anita Bath, a member of the Gaucho Tour Association, has reportedly walked backward into Hell. Walking backward, a skill that many tour leaders absolutely suck at, ...

April 8, 2019

I.V. Foot Patrol Declares Martial Law on Deltopia Weekend

By Max Myszkowski

Due to concerns regarding the drunken rowdiness, tomfoolery and other miscellaneous shenaniganz that have come to be associated with Deltopia celebrations, the I.V. Foot Patrol declared martial law in response to Deltopi...

April 8, 2019

Deltopia MIPs Ranked

By Katie Methyl​enedioxy​methamphetamine

Everyone knows that Deltopia is like Christmas for cops, but instead of gifts, they’re giving out Minor In Possession (MIP) tickets. Though most noobs get an MIP for alcohol possession, we here at Nexustentialism encou...

April 8, 2019

Medieval Man Causes Trouble at Deltopia

By L’rd Walt'r

Holla cater-cousins! 'Tis I, L'rd Walt'r de Bolbec, coming to thee liveth from the 68 block of Del Playa f'r an occasion hath called Deltopia! I has't hath heard it is quite valorous excit'ment and yond th're art bountif...

April 5, 2019

Breaking: Deltopia Moved to Fortuna! Rebranded as Fortuna-topia

By Billy McFartland

In an emergency meeting last night, Associated Students declared that Deltopia will be moved to Fortuna Lane in order to avoid the increasing police presence seen over the last couple years.

April 5, 2019

Starbucks Runs Out of Non-Dairy Milk, Chaos Ensues

By Jordan Curiel

Tragedy struck Isla Vista last week, administering a blow to the student population right in the heart of their most coveted and vital survival tool: coffee.

April 4, 2019

Campus Crisis: Storke Tower Goes Flaccid

By Max Myszkowski

Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the University Center in 19...

April 3, 2019

Student Curbs Coke Addiction, Crediting Rush He Gets from Submitting an Assignment 30 Seconds Before Deadline

By Katherine McCabe

Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Clint even sank to the...

April 2, 2019

Student Health Now Fully Staffed by Plague Doctors

By Ariana Marmolejo

In an effort to save money at the direct and immediate expense of student wellbeing, Student Health Services is pleased to announce that they have replaced all physicians and trained medical professionals with plague doc...