Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

April 1, 2019

UCSB Establishes Bike School for Student Bikers Prone to Accidents

By Emma Demorest

An influx of horrific bike accidents (in which many took to Free & For Sale to voice their grievances and describe the gory details of their injuries) has prompted local UCPD to implement the W.E.A.K. program, Wheels for...

March 29, 2019

Sorority Girls Exclusively Comment “Mom and Dad” on Pictures of Unstable Relationships Only

By Tess Karls

We all know that one couple that’s consistently off and on. The guy frequently likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram and the girl keeps getting fucking pissed.

March 29, 2019

Chad Simpleton’s Isla Vista Restaurants Review

By Chad Simpleton

Food, we all need it. Restaurants, we’ve all been to them. IV, definitely has ‘em. This cesspool of debauchery and dank memes is full of the best fucking foods to cure everything from a hangover to heartbreak upon re...

March 13, 2019

Breaking: Literally Nobody Tried To Bribe Their Way Into UCSB

By Hannah Jackson

In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwise unqualified child...

March 11, 2019

Local Student Says ‘No Thank You’ to Finals

By Annie Pepper

Finals are almost here, and with them come yerba binges, restless nights and quiet sobs in the library. This year, though, local UCSB students seem to have put a stop to this quarterly tradition.

March 8, 2019

Student Asleep in Egg Chair Since 1992 Finally Wakes Up

By Jordan Curiel

Dazed and confused but thoroughly reseted, that same girl you’ve seen perpetually slumped in one of Davidson Library’s egg chairs every single day since freshman year has finally woken up.

March 7, 2019

Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story Edges out Ted Cruz and Fyre Festival Guy for Worst Person in the World

By Daniel Carroll

In an international poll with hundreds of millions of participants, Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story has narrowly been declared the worst person in the entire world. The race was remarkably clo...

March 7, 2019

Engineering Department Rampant with Bootcut Jeans and Skechers, Prompts Campuswide Orgasms

By Diana Prince

UCSB’s high-ranking College of Engineering is allegedly rampant with bootcut jeans and Skechers — and everyone is nutting, according to a new observation by Anyone Who’s Ever Been on That Side of Campus (AWEBTSC). ...

March 7, 2019

Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

By Henri Bemis

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal affliction. Though Sa...

March 5, 2019

A.S. is Fine! Everything is Fine!

By Nexustentialism Staff

Associated Students is doing the best it has ever done! Never has A.S. done so many beneficial things for UCSB. A.S. passes only good plans that are very well thought through and everyone agrees on them! It is almost unb...

February 28, 2019

White Girl Continues To Touch Hair of Beautiful Girl Who Sits in Front of Her

By Joey Zones

Last week, it was reported that Tiffany-Joy Johanson-Mills suddenly and without consent plunged her fingers into the hair of a Beautiful Girl sitting in front of her during a mid-sized communication prerequisite lecture.

February 28, 2019

“Oh the Caucasity,” Exclaims the 5 Percent of Black Students at UCSB

By Joey Zones

In what is breaking news to only white students, an abysmal five percent of students at UC Santa Barbara are actually Black. While Black students have been painfully aware of this fact for a very long time, non-Black stu...

February 27, 2019

Letters To My Lover (Recruiter)

By Don Chawanmi

Dearest Recruiter, How are you? How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in two months, but I’m doing fine. Being ghosted is normal for me, so just let me know when you want to talk. I’ll be here!

February 26, 2019

The Curse of the Creepy Mural in Ortega Dining Commons

By Max Myszkowski

Ortega dining hall is home to many wonders: a piano for show-offs, vegetarian Mondays and a ghastly mural that might suck out your soul if you look at it for too long. Ortega’s 76-foot-long mural, depicting a scene fro...

February 25, 2019

5 Places to Park in I.V.

By Christina Muoio

Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Therefore, I’ve comp...