Tess Karls / Daily Nexus

A lot can change in a year. Students come and go, relationships will form and crumble and people keep deciding to switch majors. However, some things will never change.

A.S. continues to wage campus-wide party warfare even though they all run on the same platforms. Chancellor Yang is still strutting his stuff. And me, the UCen bird; try as you might, but I will never stop attacking the innocent heads of those who dare cross my path at UC Santa Barbara.

To those of you who thought I was dead: I bet you’re surprised. Well don’t be — I will never die. My earthly body may change form but my powerfully spiteful spirit remains the same. Am I the same bird as last year? Only I know.

So beware, all you students, faculty and tour groups alike who walk idly into my trap. I will come for you and your precious strands of hair. My nest will not be complete until I have snatched a hair off of every head that walks below my UCen perch.

Think you’re tricking me by going around my roost? Good luck explaining that you’re walking minutes out of your way to avoid a silly little bird. They will call you a fool, and they will walk right into my clutches. You may know the truth, but others underestimate me … and that is my biggest strength of all.

So, UCSB administration: Keep putting up your nets to prevent us from nesting, I say. Let us winged creatures flock to the UCen and rain terror on the heads below. I will be the harbinger of destruction on this campus, the general of a mighty aerial fleet. My army will be small but fierce, and you simple, flightless humans will never defeat us.


The UCen Bird considers this a threat and a promise.