Nexustentialism

February 21, 2019

Housemate Gets Laid, Can’t Stop Exclaiming, “Man I Didn’t Sleep at All Last Night!”

By Kian Karamdashti

Local resident Virgil Nomo had a busy night last night if you know what I mean, but you probably already heard because he won’t shut up about it.

February 21, 2019

Breaking News: Girl Regrets Lip Tattoo

By Brian Byrne

There’s a long list of regrettable decisions frequently made by college students: waiting until the night before to start writing a paper, drunkenly emailing your professor to apologize for causing his early-onset hair...

February 19, 2019

Greek Sisterhoods Only Thing Preventing Shitty, 65-Block Oceanside Homes from Eroding Into Ocean

By Kylie Jemmer

If you're among the 89 percent of UCSB’s undergraduate population that has not yet joined greek life, you may want to reconsider. As houses on 66-block through 68-block have been making the slow progression of plunging...

February 14, 2019

The Four People You’ll Date in College

By Brock Clark

Relationships are tough. How tough? Tough to say. In I.V., they’re tougher than a Hydro Flask that just won’t break whenever it smacks into the ground mid-lecture. We can’t just make out in cars like we did in high...

February 14, 2019

Girl Reminisces About Best Valentine’s Day Hook-Up: Part 2

By Melanie Banghārd

If there’s one hook-up everyone remembers as the most magical time of all, it’s when they lost their virginity. The year was 2016. I finally had a boyfriend, Leo was about to win his first Oscar, Taylor and Kanye wer...

February 13, 2019

68 Block Myth-Busters

By Hannah Jackson

Secrecy clouds the enigmatic residents of the 68 block. Not much is known about the mystifying barefooted beings who dwell its streets, but nevertheless, rumors swirl about. We here at Nexustentialism went undercover to ...

February 12, 2019

IV Foot Patrol Arrests Tree for Sitting on Curb

By Kian Karamdashti

Protests have begun outside Isla Vista Foot Patrol building after many students have called for the release of Tree, who was arrested outside the building in the early morning of Feb. 2 after falling during a storm and s...

February 11, 2019

Freshman Picked UCSB for Chance to Wear Redbull Bro Tank All Year Round

By Sam Penn

As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agreement when he was o...

February 7, 2019

Lunar Eclipse Causes Unexpected Menstrual Synchronization Throughout UCSB Sororities

By Grant McDonald

At approximately 9:12 p.m. on Jan. 20, the Earth, for reasons unknown, decided to split its solar and lunar counterparts. Despite similar occurrences in the past, this particular lunar eclipse had an unforeseen effect on...

February 6, 2019

Sorority Sally: I Would Die For My Train Conductor Hat

By Sorority Sally

TOOT! TOOT! It’s me again, bitches. I’m ~back again~ to defend my currently IN STYLE fisherman hat a.k.a. the train conductor.

February 4, 2019

Fyre Festival: Isla Vista Dayger Edition

By Billy McFartland

In light of the recent Fyre Festival documentaries produced by Hulu and Netflix, many concerned UCSB students have come forward to highlight similarities over the failed festival and a recent Isla Vista dayger.

February 1, 2019

Everybody on the Fourth Floor of Davidson Should Just Fuck Each Other Already

By Sam Penn

Everyone is aware of the diverse personalities that make up the eight floors of the slightly uncomfy Davidson Library: the all-inclusive first floor, the scholars of fifth, the antisocial sociopaths of eight. Yet, there ...

February 1, 2019

From Father: A Response to My Unwed Daughter

By Hannah's Dad

Beloved Daughter, It was with great concern and consternation that Mother and I met the distressing news of your being unable to find a husband whilst at university.

January 31, 2019

Dazed and Confused: Local I.V. Woman Not Sure What To Do After Phone Dies During Sunset

By Carly Kay

Around 5:30 p.m. Saturday evening, tragedy struck the shores of Sands as local I.V. woman Margaret Rogers’s phone battery dropped dangerously low during the most ‘gramable sunset of the year. Just as Rogers had finis...

January 31, 2019

Ask Chad: Chad Simpleton Gives Life Advice

By Chad Simpleton

What’s up demons, it’s ya boy Chad. Last we spoke, I was getting ready for some winter frat rushes and — big spoiler alert — I crushed it and was too cool for every single house. Literally nobody could handle Bad...

January 31, 2019

Class Know-It-All Won’t Let You Enjoy Things

By Mia Roncati

Rude! Margaret Paige Claire Allen, first year pre-med major, has been reported by multiple students to Associated Students (A.S.) Judicial Affairs for being a class-know-it-all. While UCSB prides itself on now being the ...