Ollie Tabooger / Daily Nexus

Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Clint even sank to the level of posting pictures of his nosebleed on Snapchat, hoping to become the next Edgy White Boy of the Month. Clint is that guy no more.

How was he able to curb his addiction to cocaine, you ask? We spoke with Clint in an exclusive interview. Here’s what he had to say:

“So, like, I’m broke, and I hadn’t had any blow all day. It’s 11 p.m. and I’m like shit, okay, at least this horrible day will be over soon. I get paid tomorrow. And then it happens. I get a text from my buddy, and he’s like ‘Yo, did you do your geography assignment?’ And I’m like holy shit, no, I didn’t. So, I log into GauchoSpace and get started,” Clint recounted.

“I see the deadline is 11:45, and then it happens. The rush. The moment of clarity. My hands start shaking even more than that one time I had six Yerbs. It was the most intense feeling, kind of like being on a Bird after one too many Four Lokos. I finish the assignment, my whole body is trembling. It’s 11:44 with 28 seconds left. I click submit. I transcend the corporeal realm. I’m astral projecting. It was, like, insane, dude. I saw that I had a phil paper due the next night and I did the same thing. Feels amazing. Texted my plug I was done. I don’t know why more people don’t do this,” Clint said enthusiastically.

Our successfully rehabbed Clint is now on academic probation.

Katherine thinks addiction is a very serious issue. If you need help, please reach out to CAPS or the National Drug Help Hotline at 1-888-633-3239.