Nexus File Photo

Everyone knows that Deltopia is like Christmas for cops, but instead of gifts, they’re giving out Minor In Possession (MIP) tickets. Though most noobs get an MIP for alcohol possession, we here at Nexustentialism encourage Isla Vista residents to shoot for the stars and earn MIPs for more worldly endeavors.

1. MIP for Meth:

Getting an MIP for meth earns you major bragging rights. You’ve gone way above and beyond the call of duty of just a simple alcohol charge. You are hardcore and are committed to the party lifestyle. You deserve to bully everyone else because you’re a certifiable badass.

2. MIP for Cocaine:

Cocaine is pretty rad, but it’s no meth. You’re definitely still pretty dedicated to the Deltopia lifestyle and getting an MIP for being super coked out is a great way to let everyone know.

3. MIP for Molly:

An MIP for molly is steeping into uncool territory. If you get an MIP when you’re rolling, everyone will just assume that you couldn’t hang during Troyboi.

4. MIP for Weed:

If you get an MIP for weed, you’ve essentially just let everyone know that you’re a huge dumbass. Like, honestly, how high do you have to get called out on it? Everyone’s just gonna know that you just smelled way too dank in line at Blaze and that the cops sniffed you out.

5. MIP for Alcohol:

An MIP for alcohol is super lame, but at least you’re in good company with the 800 other freshmen and out-of-towners who got way too crunk and were picked up by the cops when they sat down on the curb.

Katie Methyl​enedioxy​methamphetamine has an MIP for heroin and therefore outrank all of you. See you in court, losers!