Breaking: Literally Nobody Tried To Bribe Their Way Into UCSB

In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwise unqualified children of wealthy business titans, Hollywood celebrities and other various rich motherfuckers to get into schools like USC, UCLA, Stanford and Yale, amongst others.  

This scandal has been aptly dubbed Operation Varsity Blues, in which wealthy parents paid off college entrance exam administrators and coaches to secure their dumbass kids a spot in a university they would otherwise never earn.

In a news conference this morning, when addressing the complexities of the situation, FBI agent Brett McKassen was asked by a Daily Nexus reporter whether there was any evidence of parents trying to bribe UCSB officials.

“Hell no,” McKassen said with a snort. “Does UCSB have any D1 sports? Seriously, I couldn’t name a single coach to bribe if I tried.”

McKassen also noted that literally nobody gives a shit about UCSB’s standing as No. 5 public university in the nation.

“Listen, this No. 5 ranking is nice and all, but let’s be honest: no one cares. These people aren’t going to college to go to public school. Let alone the fifth-best public school,” McKassen concluded.

While it is very upsetting that UCSB can’t be a part of this rockin’ scandal, at least we can take solace in the fact that the university admits a ton of other totally unqualified people who ride the coattails of their parents’ money and privilege through college! Shout out to the uber-wealthy out-of-state students with shit GPAs who get in solely to pay higher tuition and the Greek life members whose ability to pay exorbitant dues grants them access to all of the tests they’ll ever need for the rest of undergrad.

Hannah Jackson is a third-year majoring in ethics. Her parents gave $5 million to the school the year before her admission, which is very legal, thank you very much.