Nexus File Photo
In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwise unqualified children of wealthy business titans, Hollywood celebrities and other various rich motherfuckers to get into schools like USC, UCLA, Stanford and Yale, amongst others.
This scandal has been aptly dubbed Operation Varsity Blues, in which wealthy parents paid off college entrance exam administrators and coaches to secure their dumbass kids a spot in a university they would otherwise never earn.
In a news conference this morning, when addressing the complexities of the situation, FBI agent Brett McKassen was asked by a Daily Nexus reporter whether there was any evidence of parents trying to bribe UCSB officials.
“Hell no,” McKassen said with a snort. “Does UCSB have any D1 sports? Seriously, I couldn’t name a single coach to bribe if I tried.”
McKassen also noted that literally nobody gives a shit about UCSB’s standing as No. 5 public university in the nation.
“Listen, this No. 5 ranking is nice and all, but let’s be honest: no one cares. These people aren’t going to college to go to public school. Let alone the fifth-best public school,” McKassen concluded.
While it is very upsetting that UCSB can’t be a part of this rockin’ scandal, at least we can take solace in the fact that the university admits a ton of other totally unqualified people who ride the coattails of their parents’ money and privilege through college! Shout out to the uber-wealthy out-of-state students with shit GPAs who get in solely to pay higher tuition and the Greek life members whose ability to pay exorbitant dues grants them access to all of the tests they’ll ever need for the rest of undergrad.
Hannah Jackson is a third-year majoring in ethics. Her parents gave $5 million to the school the year before her admission, which is very legal, thank you very much.
lol im an out-of-state student and was valedictorian of my high school and have met tons of students here from CA who got in but are dumb af so that part is very inaccurate. k thx.
Lol someone’s insecure
Chill it’s satire
also, out of state students have to have a higher minimum GPA for admission, don’t get their honors courses calculated in their GPA, AND the UC’s prioritize admitting California residents. Look up some facts before you shit on out of state students.
In California, nearly every high school student applies to at least one of the UC’s. Even if every single student that applies from one California High school is qualiified to go to UCSB, only a handful will get in because they simply can only let so many people in from one school or region. Now with out of state students, they might be the only one applying to the UC at their entire school, or at the very least, 1 of just a few. This means that your chances of getting in from out of state are immensely higher, even… Read more »
funny ha ha. why not follow the well lit path?
Hahaha major props to the author, this was epic!
There’s some pretty dumb, spoiled liberal kids here, just saying. Morons that can name Vodka but don’t know who the first president was. Yeah, you’re so woke loser leftist weirdos.
Damn if her parents donated 5 mil she could have gone to SC or Stanford. But I get it, the beach is so pretty that’s why I attended and not for the fact that SB is a top ranked research school😂😂😂
a part*** not apart.
Made my day
*a part, not apart
Fees for sororities and fraternities are not that exorbitant. Living in a sorority house including dues and meals is cheaper than just laying rent in a regular IV apartment. Also, using previous years’ tests to study for this year happens outside the Greek system, and professors have gotten wise and don’t use the exact same thing anymore. This started out really funny, though.
How they allowed you to post this monstrosity of a story is beyond me. FIRE THIS IDIOT