Freshmen, you’ve almost made it through your first year of college, and we at Nexustentialism would like to sincerely congratulate you! We believe that a fitting celebration would be mentally breaking your RA to the point of no return.
Even if you like your RA, it’s undeniable that all RAs are inherently evil and have power trips rivaling those of CSOs. Therefore, you’re obligated to do everything in your power to break your RA. Nexustentialism would like to equip you with some resident-tested and RA-detested ways to achieve that goal! We’ve gone into the field and after rigorous testing, determined that use of these methods will drive even the most devoted RA to a mental health crisis.
1. Have sex really — and I mean really — loudly
For this method, you’ll have to be in a room next to your RA and be lucky enough to be getting laid as a freshman. In order to do your worst, your typical moaning and bed shaking won’t be enough; you will need to invest in some noise-making devices. We’ve tested everything from maracas to blenders, but determined that two wind chimes fixed to your bed frame, a mallet attached to the headboard and a gong attached to the wall (for those especially powerful thrusts) and a train horn you can trigger for when you and your partner get your “big O” make for the ideal set up.
2. Coming to them with fake problems
Your RA doesn’t get unlimited Portola for nothing. They’re paid to be a shoulder to cry on while you face the adversities of transitioning from high school to college, and one effective way to inch your RA closer to a psychiatric break is to totally abuse the fact that they’re a contractually obligated listener. The key is to come up with a scenario that will test the limits of your RA’s capacity for being an amateur therapist. We recommend coming to them at dawn with news of an ill pet, your parents divorcing or of a new financial crisis that could cause you to drop out. Bonus points if you can combine all three!
3. Commandeering your floor’s GroupMe
RAs will often set up a floor GroupMe to chat to their residents en masse, but the real beauty of the platform, for our purposes, is that residents can message back. All this method really takes is a couple of friends and a willingness to be the reason everyone mutes the floor chat. Start simple: Abuse the GroupMe like a finsta or private Twitter, bombarding fellow users with an overload of meaningless personal information. From there you need to start turning up the intensity. We suggest trying to turn your floor’s chat into a pool of communist propaganda or into a K-pop appreciation forum, but you can pick any topic with annoying fans and go from there.
4. Shower at the same time as them and play podcasts
If you and your RA use the same bathroom, all you need for this method is an idea of when your RA showers, a Bluetooth speaker and an understanding that some of your innocent floormates might get caught in the crossfire.
Down to the details: When your RA showers, get in the stall closest to them and turn your speaker to max volume. As for picking a podcast, if you have any information on what your RA dislikes, be sure to search for a super niche podcast about that subject. Otherwise any podcasts where the hosts are condescending or are just too into their topic should work. We’ve found that economics podcasts hosted by rich white men and yoga-based self-help podcasts are most effective at getting your RA out of the shower before they’ve even had time to shave their pubes.
5. Make them jealous by talking to RAs from other floors
If your RA happens to be very enthusiastic about their job and actually concerned about the well-being of their residents, you can obliterate their self-worth and make them question their ability to connect to other human beings by developing relationships with RAs from other floors of your building. Try to talk with other RAs in spaces where your RA is likely to see you, and make sure that it’s clear that you are seeking out advice by looking enthralled and maybe even taking notes. Perhaps if you see your RA around, you could even give them some false hope by initiating a conversation, and then swiftly stab them in the heart by only talking about how great the other RAs in the building are. This will be sure to exacerbate the feelings of inadequacy that your RA has been struggling with since fourth grade.
With these strategies under your belt, you should have no problem making sure that your RA will be a fixture in C.A.P.S. for the foreseeable future!
Sadie Istic thinks being an RA is a slippery slope to becoming a DMV worker.