Harvest Keene / Daily Nexus


We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, here are some generalizations on the best and worst smelling majors at UCSB. 

Worst: All CCS majors

Acting as an undercover CCS major this summer, I have made a startling discovery: these people are, on average output the most BO per capita out of any major at UCSB. People in the College of Creative Studies are often known for being overachievers and they carry this reputation over  into being fucking smelly. This phenomenon is exacerbated by the fact that no CCS classroom has AC and that practical application of deodorizing compounds is nowhere to be found in their curriculum. 

Second Worst: Philosophy

I guess these people are too busy contemplating the metaphysics of reality to contemplate buying a goddamned stick of Old Spice. In my discussions with phil majors,  they clearly consider a lot, but I have found no moral dilemmas in taking a shower every once in a while. Our future philosophers should take a page out of Plato and Aristotle’s books and visit a bathhouse occasionally.

Most Neutral: Poli Sci

These sycophantic cannivers will smell however you want them to smell, especially if you have an internship or some kind of club leadership position that they can put on their grad school resumes. You want them to smell like literal dog shit? Done! Want them to smell like Chanel No. 9? Done! But just so they don’t offend someone who could be a potential employer, they go scentless in their day-to-day life.

Second Best: Psych and Brain Sciences

This is just because I miss my ex who was a PBS major :( … But my roommate is also a PBS major and she smells … pretty good!

Best: Chem

These motherfuckers must synthesize their deodorant because I have never smelled a chem major that wasn’t an olfactory pleasure to behold. These people must have a direct link to the gods of scent, because there are scent combos I have never heard of creeping into my nostrils as I stroll by the chem building. Lavender French vanilla, goji berry coconut milk, Old Spice AQUA REEF!! Are you kidding me?! Calling these people scent icons would be a severe understatement. I declare chem majors “Aromatic Aristocracy.”


Wiessass is at least two of these majors.


A. Wiessass
A. Wiessass is a UCSB undergrad who likes to keep to himself. He lives deep in the Santa Ynez Mountains at the site of the mountain parties. He leaves his compound very rarely, only to write satire and to stock up on fruit gummies and vape juice. If you wish to contact A. Wiessass, howl at the moon and wait for it to howl back.