Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up and you narrowly miss stepping in yet another splatter of suspiciously colorful vomit, you may begin to wonder: How can I black out in an environmentally responsible way? Luckily, the folks here at Nexustentialism have done the hard research for you! Here are the five most eco-friendly ways to punish your liver.
Buy in bulk
I.V. Co-op has long been known for being the go-to grocery store for some barefoot lady with a septum piercing to fill her upcycled mason jar with cashew butter, but reportedly the shop will be adding an even more important staple to the bulk section: that’s right, alcohol! Buy one of the pre-weighed mason jars or even upcycle an empty New Am handle, and bam! One trip to the Co-op and you’re on your way to Sendville.
Every last drop counts! An important part of being eco friendly is never being wasteful, and that includes those last few drops of Malibu. If you’re really committed, a cool zero-waste way to get drunk is to scavenge through the trash bins of I.V., and you’ll eventually find enough half-shotgunned beers and preemptively discarded Claws to get buzzed. Bonus points to freshmen who are already scavenging to get a few drops of alcohol in! The youth really are the future of our climate reality.
Be a S.T.E.M. major
Technically, this is reducing your resource consumption simply by reducing your alcohol consumption, but hey, I guess it works. Not that STEM majors necessarily have to be straight edge, but the way they never shut up about being too busy to have fun, I’d assume that they all are.
Ferment your own alcohol from dining commons scraps
It’s not going to taste good, but neither does the food at the dining commons anyway.
Satire aside, this one might actually be true: Vitali is much less processed than more expensive, smoother vodkas. Less processing equals less energy wasted on production, therefore, it is the most eco-friendly handle there is! This would be a super awesome green living hack if it weren’t for the fact that environmental ruin is more appealing than drinking straight Vitali.
Al Goer will give up red meat and fast fashion for the environment but sure as hell won’t give up drinking.