The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it upon myself to burn out on the gym ahead of the phony New Year’s resolution fakers. For those of you who will inevitably stop going to the gym shortly after the start of Winter Quarter, allow me to impart my tried and true wisdom on how to let everyone know you went to the gym exactly one (1) time.
- Text someone and ask them to call you while you will be at the gym. When you pick up — and this is very important — say, “Sorry, can’t talk right now, I’m at the gym.” Extra points if you grunt like you’re lifting weights while talking.
- Make sure to groan every time you stand up or sit down for a week. Be sure to tell people that you’re sore due to how hard you went during leg day.
- Ask everyone you know if you saw them at the gym yesterday. “No? You weren’t at the MAC? Could’ve sworn I saw you while I was absolutely demolishing my squat reps.”
- This is cliche, but post a mirror selfie with the hashtags #NoPainNoGain #Swole #HealthGod. All press is good press, as they say.
As Gauchos, we live by the motto “work hard, play hard,” but with my foolproof methods, I can assure you that you will be working smarter, not harder. Why work out when you can just make everyone think you did?
Betty Cocker went to the gym twice this quarter, thank you very much.