Betty Cocker

November 26, 2019

How To Let Everyone Know You Went To The Gym One (1) Time

By Betty Cocker

The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it upon myself to burn...

November 19, 2019

Top Five Chaser Alternatives

By Betty Cocker

Buying chaser can often be an afterthought. Sometimes, when you’re already starting the pregame, it’s too late to venture out into I.V. to actually buy some. We at Nexustentialism are here to bring you the best at-ho...

July 16, 2019

Second-Year With Internship Reportedly “Loves Corporate Life”

By Betty Cocker

  Second-year communication major Luke Hampton is spending his summer on the lowest possible rung of the corporate ladder and is having a really awesome time, in case you were wondering. According to Hampton’s Lin...

May 20, 2019

Extravaganza Sounded Awesome From the Line Three Miles Away!

By Betty Cocker

A series of successful events from A.S. Program Board came to a grinding halt on Sunday when 2019’s Extravaganza was determined to be the biggest clusterfuck in recent memory. It appears that Program Board blew their b...

May 13, 2019

HERO ALERT: Man Goes Down on Woman

By Betty Cocker

ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — A bold and valiant display of heroism took place in the wee hours of Saturday morning when local man Bryce Daniels performed oral sex on his girlfriend Jessica Payton.

April 29, 2019

Friendship Manor Planning Rush Events for Alumni Weekend

By Betty Cocker

In eager anticipation for the 2019 UC Santa Barbara Alumni Weekend, Isla Vista’s own retirement home, Friendship Manor, is planning a spring rush in the hopes of gaining pledges in the form of UCSB's former frat stars.

October 4, 2018

Study Abroad Student Only Hooks Up With Other Americans

By Betty Cocker

Much to her surprise and disappointment, third-year study abroad student Kelly Parker has only had sexual encounters with fellow Americans while studying abroad for the semester in Italy.