As the waters of 2019 evaporated to the relentless winds of time, many Gauchos saw themselves reflected in the puddles left behind and resolved to better themselves as they waded into the currents of 2020. Nexustentialism has curated the finest Gaucho New Year’s resolutions from across campus and is delighted to share these resolutions which so perfectly capture the Gaucho spirit.
1. Stop Doing Cocaine
Many Gauchos we talked to are looking to curb their drug habits in the new year, wanting the only powder they see to be that on the slopes during winter break. Some Gauchos have come to the realization that their nose-candy habit may not be as sustainable as they once thought. “Yeah, I realized all the rappers and singers I like could afford rehab if they needed it,” local party boy, Schnoz Hoover, said. “I figured I should stop while I can still write it off as a phase in college and before it becomes, like, an addiction.”
2. Be More Environmentally Conscious
UCSB is one of the most environmentally conscious campuses in California, and this is due largely to student activism. In another push toward sustainability, many Gauchos are looking to do their part to lessen the carbon footprint of the UCSB and I.V. community.
One house on Pasado has looked to decrease imports of alcohol by distilling their own vodka. “It kinda tastes like Dove Beauty bars and patchouli, and we’ve lost the use of our shower, but it is worth it to save the earth,” said the SB bootlegger who wished to remain anonymous.
3. Start Working Out Again
Goddamn it! All of y’all are already so damn attractive! If y’all get any fitter, I will lose all bargaining power in the socio-sexual marketplace, and I just cannot afford that right now. I completely respect your fitness journey and everything, but please, when you super-fit Gauch-Bros are crushing puss and Gal-chos are getting that D, consider the rest of us and leave some leftovers.
4. Blackout Less
Our reputation as a party school is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy, but some Gauchos are looking to break this cycle. “I’m definitely going to blackout once a week, it is just unavoidable,” third-year student Allie K. Hollic said. “But I am just hoping to get that number down there instead of my current four.”
5. Be More Grateful
From time to time, we may all forget to give adequate thanks for the gifts and privileges that we enjoy on a daily basis. It is important not to let the hustle and bustle of a highly-ranked university lifestyle distract us from the wonders all around us. Some Gauchos are looking to reclaim their attention and display their gratitude toward those that deserve it the most.
A. Wiessass has already repeated all of his past mistakes in the new year.
A. Wiessass is a UCSB undergrad who likes to keep to himself. He lives deep in the Santa Ynez Mountains at the site of the mountain parties. He leaves his compound very rarely, only to write satire and to stock up on fruit gummies and vape juice. If you wish to contact A. Wiessass, howl at the moon and wait for it to howl back.