Max Myszkowski / Daily Nexus

Oh, Buchanan Hall, what is there left to say about such an iconic pillar of educational success. There are a lot of distinctive pieces of land on the UCSB campus: Storke Tower, South Hall, the area around the lagoon. Yet, nothing really compares to the musty pile of shit that is Buchanan Hall.

Let’s talk about the close proximity of seating in Buchanan that brings its students together through PTSD-inducing experiences. As the famous saying goes, “First base is kissing, second base is involuntarily shoving your ass in someone’s face while trying to get to your seat in Buchanan.”

In order to avoid these awkwardly intimate moments, students constantly set up residence in the aisles adjacent to Buchanan’s seating areas despite an abundance of seats available in the middle of each row. Students would rather have their buttocks go numb from sitting on the floor than venture into a journey filled with “excuse me,” “I’m so sorry” and “I apologize profusely” as they scoot their ways to empty seats in the middle of the rows.

When deciphering what makes Buchanan Hall so special, how could anyone forget to point out its pristine (and by pristine we mean disgustingly abominable) bathrooms. 

“I went to a public high school with 2,400 students and thought I had seen all the devil had to offer regarding bathroom disasters,” unfortunate Buchanan student Ricky Laybac said. “I was wrong –– so, so wrong.”

The Buchanan bathrooms provide what could politely be described as a spinning roulette wheel of surprises. One day you could find the toilet paper rolls soaked, the next day the urinals overflowing or if you’re really lucky: a solitary turd resting on the dirty, linoleum floor.

The one bright spot of this intolerable experience is the Buchanan store, which provides nourishment and shelter from within the lecture hall’s walls. However, even this positive is minimal, as the store barely edges out the handicapped stall in terms of square footage.

Despite the trials and tribulations the Buchanan experience provides, it is clear that Buchanan Hall and the UCSB student body need each other to thrive. Students need to graduate, and the hall needs students to be sacrificial lambs to fuel the dark evil that lurks in the Buchanan shadows.

“I have been a devout Christian my whole life and prayed everyday that the two classes I need to graduate would not be in Buchanan,” Laybac said. “Long story short, I am now an atheist.”


Kian Karamdashti is fighting his Buchanan demons every Monday and Wednesday this Winter Quarter.


Kian Karamdashti
Kian Karamdashti is an Opinion and Nexustentialism staff writer. He consistently falls asleep in class and enjoys kicking the ball around. He also thinks Vince Staples is criminally underrated.