Tired of all that foreskin weighing you down? Well, we’ve got great news for you: Student Health is now offering complimentary circumcisions to lighten your load! Come on down to the Student Health center and get yourself a thoroughly modern member — free of charge — now and through the end of spring quarter!
Signed into law by a recently passed Associated Students Senate bill, the new service reportedly has the capacity to perform over 150 circumcisions per day, but lines stretching several times around the building suggest that those looking to go under the knife ought to act fast!
“Wow, I feel like I’ve had the weight of the world lifted off of my pubis,” said freshly snipped student Richard Wang. “I’m finally free!”
Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what’re you hanging onto it for?”
Students have responded to the new program with overwhelming positivity, lining up in droves to make use of this new on-campus outpatient procedure. Glans across campus are finally seeing the light of day, and patients who have undergone the elective operation are thrilled to share their results.
“I’m just so excited to show it off,” said student Jamie Johnson regarding their newly pruned peen. “I’ve already sent pictures to half of my contacts,” Johnson eagerly told Nexustentialism.
Nexustentialism tried to gently remind Johnson about the rules of dick-pic etiquette, but it seems that our efforts did little to dissuade the publicity antics of the cut crusader. Nonetheless, responses to the unsolicited phallus photography have surprisingly been largely positive — go figure.
Unprompted peen pics aside, however, schlongéd individuals throughout the greater Isla Vista area have expressed gratitude for the availability of the program, some even going so far as to become return customers. Don’t ask us how that works, though; we’re just as confused as you are.
All foreskins removed will be donated to circumcised men in need.
Henri Bemis hopes his foreskin found a good home