Joe Biden Proudly Announces VP Running Mate: Calvin Harris

Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, has proudly announced world-renowned DJ, Calvin Harris, as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2020 election in an attempt to unite the American people through...
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New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick as Fuck

Researchers in this sumptuous field of study have put out probes into each of the UC campuses looking to find evidence of bodacious badonkadonks across the UC system. Upon analysis of the resultant da...
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Student Health Now Offering Complimentary Circumcisions

Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what...
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Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brie...
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UCSB Goes D-1 in Gaucho Ball

  First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drink...
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Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal a...
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