Henri Bemis

November 8, 2020

Collective Sigh of Relief Blows Down Trees, Carries Away Children Across Country

By Henri Bemis

True enough indeed, reports have come in from all across the country that small children and animals, as well as many a bouncy house, were swept into the sky as soon as the news broke that Biden would likely win the elec...

August 26, 2020

Joe Biden Proudly Announces VP Running Mate: Calvin Harris

By Henri Bemis

Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, has proudly announced world-renowned DJ, Calvin Harris, as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2020 election in an attempt to unite the American people through the power of beeps ...

August 15, 2020

New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick as Fuck

By Henri Bemis

Researchers in this sumptuous field of study have put out probes into each of the UC campuses looking to find evidence of bodacious badonkadonks across the UC system. Upon analysis of the resultant data, the team conduct...

April 29, 2020

Student Health Now Offering Complimentary Circumcisions

By Henri Bemis

Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what’re you hanging ont...

March 6, 2020

Graduate Student COLA To Be Paid in Gaucho Bucks

By Henri Bemis

In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brief pause and some fer...

August 2, 2019

UCSB Goes D-1 in Gaucho Ball

By Henri Bemis

First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drinking ritual! As of th...

March 7, 2019

Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

By Henri Bemis

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal affliction. Though Sa...