It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and lives and therefore, do not have time to stand outside Costco at 7 a.m. hoping to finally get that precious TP six-pack. That is why I have provided a handy guide to toilet paper alternatives during these catastrophic times.
- CVS receipts
Why did you not think of this earlier! CVS already gives a yard of paper for three
freaking items, so why not use it to your advantage? Just take your empty toilet paper rolls and reroll that 4-foot-long receipt for that time you purchased one bottle of shampoo.
- Grocery store plastic bags
Let’s face it, you know you have at least 20 bags stashed somewhere. No one brings their own bag when you can buy one for 10 cents. You also can’t use your own bags at grocery stores, so there’s your new six-pack.
- National Enquirer
No one has read or will ever read this paper, so why not just buy a copy or two and rip strips off when you need them? You can support the print media while saving the environment, so it’s a win-win.
- The shower
You already pee in the shower, so that takes care of number one. For number
two, just get down in there, do what you need to, then waffle stomp it down like the animal you know you have become.
- Blue books and scantrons
Now that the 10-pack of scantrons and blue books you bought last quarter and will not use for 6 months can be put to good use. Just stay safe down there around the edges — they are sharp.
- Your own God-given five fingers
If you have no toilet paper and refuse to buy some or degrade yourself to the other options, just use your God-given two-in-one napkin and utensil. Just, maybe do a second pass with washing up before you leave the bathroom.
- Your ex’s sweater that they left at your place
Unless you are going to wear it, wipe with it. It is so cost-efficient and environmentally friendly. Wash it with the rest of your towels at the end of the week, it’s that easy. Or, if your ex asked for it back, don’t.
Chuck Mannsly doesn’t need toilet paper, his BM’s just slide right out.